Turtle

Turtle. Slow. Methodical. Purpose. These are the four words that come to mind when I look at this photo. This is a turtle walking through the grass with purpose. His approach is methodical. 

Today, I feel like this turtle. Life feels slow, yet methodical. I walk with purpose. Make meaning with my interactions. Share a purpose with my team at work, and my family at home. While both are different, I realize that we are all faced with the same purpose, and that's appreciation, recognition, and love. Love. We learn love, just like we learn the opposite of love. When we take any kind of action, we should lead with love. I should have learned that this morning, in the line at the stop sign, leaving our neighborhood. The four cars in front of me were all turning left - against the grain, and I was turning right. I got a bit frustrated, and grumbled a few words under my breath. I did not lead that situation with love. Then, I looked at the young faces in my car, and said loud so all could hear, "It's most important that we all take our turn. My time is just as valued as the next person, so we will just wait our turn." I looked at those young faces again, and got the nod of approval. All was well.

Are you taking time like the turtle in your life? Should you be more like the turtle? I know I need to be more like the turtle. If you see me in real life not being like him, come slap me on the back, and yell, "TURTLE!" I will know what you mean. 

Item #9483: Smell is so important for teenagers. Please, for the love of all that is holy, have a hygiene talk with a teenager in your life. Let them know being clean is for people around them, and that it will cut down on the number of flies that are around them. 😜

I love your guts! XO

If only I had time...

Today, I heard someone say this, and all I could shout in my head is that we all have the same number of seconds, minutes, and hours every day. We make time for what and who is important to us. Some are givers. Others are takers. Which one are you?

I know that I am a giver, and have guilt for taking. The guilt was because I always find myself in service of others, and think that taking time for myself is selfish. This couldn't be further from the truth. I realized, and learned from others along my journey of life, that it is good to take care of myself. When I am well, I am better able to give to others. 

Recently I find that I want to live a more purpose filled life, because death comes to us all. I want my friends to sit at my funeral laughing about how I would be rolling my eyes if there is a casket instead of an urn. I want my friends to laugh through their tears, and count themselves lucky that we have snarky things that only we would understand. I don't think they are going to sit there and say, "Oh, she was just a (fill in the title) at work. And she was late turning in her finance numbers." This is crap. I have so much more to do, give, and live for on this planet. My list is long, and there are more milestones that I want to see my kids achieve. Yes, all three kids.

Time is definitely what you decide. How will you spend your time? Will you make meaning today, tomorrow, and until you are done on this earth?

Item #4293: Cough into your elbow. Smile at a stranger. Hell, smile at people you know. You never know when small acts of kindness will make a difference. 

I love your guts! XO 

Gratitude

It has been almost TWELVE months since I posted. I'm baaaack!

A lot has happened. This cutie pie joined our family about a month ago, and the kids are over-the-moon excited to have Jack part of our family. Our oldest son is now twenty-five. Our middle child is a few months away from being a teenager. And our daughter is a tween. Work is work. Life is good, and I cannot complain.

People have come and gone through our life in the last year. We know who our friends are, and sometimes we get sick, and can't mow our lawn. Now, I'm sure you're thinking that the sentence you just read couldn't be more random, but it's true. I am not saying our friends/neighbors said to the home owner's association that the weeds in our yard are a nuisance, but we did get sick, and couldn't go outside. Good news. Our yard has since been rid of weeds, and mowed.

Spring has sprung, and leaves a yellow dusting of pollen...EVERYWHERE. Please, for the love of all that is holy, keep the pollen in your plants! 

Item #4699: Nobody will care what your t-shirt said, or the logo you plastered on your shoes. They will remember the way you pissed them off when you parked too close to their vehicle, when there were a million other spaces in the parking lot. (Sarcasm. Look it up.)

I love your guts! XO

April has gone...

Holy. Smokes. March flew by faster than I thought. And April was a blink in time. So much has happened.

Here's a recap of events since February:

My annual liver check with my gastroenterologist resulted in me getting a baseline test with new technology that was non-invasive. The results of this test indicated that I have severe fatty liver infiltration, and severe scarring on my liver. These indicate that I'm at risk for more damage and liver cancer to occur. (Don't fret, it's worse than it sounds...laugh. It's OK. I know things will be OK.)

When I got the results from my gastroenterologist, I was told he wanted to put me in a study in San Antonio. Well, that was a flop. I was not accepted because I'm still on Tamoxifen (the medicine I take daily to help keep cancer away). The nurse at the study center had the nerve to tell me when I'm off of Tamoxifen for a year, I can come back to see if there is a study that fits with my situation. (I call my situation, Medical Unicorn Goddess, or MUG.)

After mulling over this fantastic news (sarcasm), I took a step back and reached out to the doctors at MD Anderson. I explained my medical history and the recent result of this test. While cancer is not active in me, thank goodness, I was determined to get a second look from a group of doctors that took care of many that I know/knew. 

The team there was/is fantastic. They got me to the right group. Set up an appointment and at the end of March, I was on my way, with Jeff. When we arrived, I felt cared for from the minute we checked in at the Rotary House (hotel attached to the hospital). I'm so blessed we could stay there and was able to get my lab work done in the hotel. I had a great meeting (about 2 hours) with the physician assistant and the doctor. They asked questions, I asked questions and many things were revealed that helped me know that my gastroenterologist was fired. The test results didn't feel right and I was glad I went to get another point of view on my MUG. Being there, I had a lot of information to process. 

The doctor ordered lab work looking at specific markers and said he would call me with results. When he said he would call me, I expected to hear from the physician assistant. Not the case. He called me himself and gave me the news that I'm on the high end of normal - basically the razor's edge of tipping into the danger zone.

Even when we returned home, I was still trying to decide what next step I was going to take.

I mulled over what to do and then here comes May 1st. My appointment with my primary care physician for my 3 month diabetes check up. I shared the information with her about my visit at MD Anderson. She had not received the lab results and asked me to reach out to get them.

May 2nd - I was able to get the files from my MD Anderson portal and send to my primary care physician to review. While going through my day, the nurse called with my lab results and said that I'm on track and met all my goals - A1C is in line (which was MOST important). Hopefully in another 3 months, she will reduce the number of meds I'm taking.

May 3rd - The nurse at my primary care's office called to say that my doctor would like me to go to see a specialist at the Texas Liver Institute, which now has an office in Austin. Now we are getting somewhere. Appointment to be scheduled soon.

Whew! That was a lot of information. I hope all of this makes sense. 

 

Thank you for sharing this journey with me. I'm hopeful that the next specialist will be able to bring me answers.

 

Item #9393: Be better than you were yesterday. Even if this means picking up your socks or washing your dishes.

 

I love your guts!

March is here and we never had a winter

December through the end of February never brought us a cold snap here in Texas. Or most places across the country. Good grief. 

We are at the beginning of March and walking on sunshine, between the storms. Metaphorically and in reality. Blessings to my cancer sister that is fighting pneumonia and in the hospital. She's one tough cookie that I dearly love and is loved by so many more. I think about the brief time we spent together last fall when we sat in the oncology office while she was doing a chemo treatment. We laughed so hard and the nurses just smiled at us and shook their heads. People doing treatment around us tried to ignore us but we didn't care. Laughing is necessary. 

Today, I'm working on wrapping up work stuff so I can be off with my kids and husband next week for spring break. Since our younger kids have been in school, I don't remember being home during spring break. This one should be fun...or memorable at best. We are going to put ideas in a hat and choose one or two for the day. I cannot wait to see how things turn out.

Item #568: Smile at someone. Say hello to another person. Being kind is free. Do it sometime, you will feel good and someone will get something unexpected. 

I love your guts!

Flash forward five months

A lot of things have happened since my last post. 

Another wonderful lady gained her wings in October. 

On the same day that Kendra Scott held an event in honor of Holley Kitchen, raising 100,000 USD for metastatic breast cancer research. 

Then, another #lifer friend went to Dallas to get a platelet transfusion. She was there for a few months and was home by the end of the year. Everything was a success and I'm happy to say she is back home. 

The holidays were rough on so many but we worked to focus on the good.

The new year did not heed my warning to act right and leave my friends alone. One of my cancer sister's mother passed away from cancer after almost a year fighting. Sweet Adrienne gained her wings. She left behind a daughter, parents, extended family and countless friends. We are all here for Sarah Ann and will gladly lift her spirits up.

Earlier this month, I went to my oncology appointment, after my mammogram appointment. The mammogram was clear. Thank God. The platelet levels went up to 84,000 (which had been hovering in the low 70,000s since January 2016). I had been a bit under the weather with cedar fever and allergies. My doctor and I joked that maybe that was what I needed to kick these platelets into action. I hope this is the case. We talked about me stopping Tamoxifen in May/June. She furrowed her brow and said we can talk about it but she strongly recommends that I stay on it for TEN years. Uhmmmm, I will bring my Hulk hands with me to my next appointment in May to discuss Tamoxifen again. My husband will be with me, so I'm not sure the conversation will go in my favor. Stay tuned :)

This new year has me more in tune with my little ones because these are their "good ol' days". I want to make sure they have solid, happy memories, when possible. Like embarrassing them by yelling, "I love you!" out the window to them in front of their friends. Well, ok, this would only work for Brett because he walks away slowly from the car. Madison darts off and her friends aren't out there, but I could yell at her when I pick her up. Letting them cook dinner, do laundry and mow the lawn. These are chores they ask to do and of course I say yes. Why not? They will have to learn to do these things later in life, even if they have enough money to pay someone to do this for them. And so many more things.

Item #921722: Love yourself and be secure with yourself to have coffee or lunch alone. Soak in the sounds, sights and smells around you. (I hope the smells are pleasing) The simple pleasure of enjoying the moment is glorious and we should take time to slow down or stop. 

I love your guts!

Update - platelets

Since my last entry, I saw my oncologist after the two weeks of steroids to help boost the platelet count.Unfortunately, this did not work. The opposite happened - my count dropped 5K total. This was not the news we expected. Jeff was there to hold me together as I got a little sassy with my oncologist to ask if we could try it again. The answer was no, because most likely nothing would be different. Then she said a bone marrow biopsy needed to be scheduled. Ugh! 

This put me in a focused mode. When I got to the scheduler, she asked what day worked for me and of course I wanted the earliest date possible. Getting this procedure done sooner rather than later was preferred. I was able to get the appointment within 3 business days. Early this morning, we went to the hospital to get the procedure done and we were in an out in four hours. There was minimal pain. I'm more sore than in pain, which works for me. 

Thank you all for the out pouring of love, support and prayers. I could feel the love and cannot wait until we get the results. Expect the results by August 24.

Item #2929: Be the example of goodness you want to see in the world. Smile at a stranger. Hold a door open. Call that family member or friend you miss.

I love your guts!

Week 1 meds done

Here is the game plan for "Platelet Levels Get Back to Normal". 

I am on two weeks of medication to help "lift" the levels to normal range. Lab work 1 done after first week and then finish week 2 medication. I won't know the effects of the medication on my platelet levels until I go to the follow-up appointment with lab + office visit with doctor to review the performance of my platelets. My doctor wants to see the platelet count increase, as much as I do. If she does not see the results we anticipate (positive news), then I will need to get a bone marrow biopsy done to take a closer look at what these pesky platelets are doing. 

Come on platelets, do your job! I am feeling a bit feisty, like Si and shake my fist at these lab results. I am doing my part by staying positive. You do your job and multiply.

In the larger picture of the universe, this is like a rock in your shoe. You shake your foot to get it to roll out. When things do not go your way, you finally stop to pull the shoe off and shake the shoe like a fool. Right now I'm shaking the shoe like a fool and praying that the rock falls out so I can keep going forward. I have kids to get back into a school routine, work, coach boys' soccer and enjoy time with family and friends. 

Item #3994: When life feels like you have a rock in your shoe, stop and shake things up. Wave or smile at a stranger. Give a genuine greeting. Connect with yourself, even if you sit in the car for an extra couple of minutes after the crew goes inside. 

I love your guts!

Positive vibes for good news on August 3! Please and thank you. 

More tests

I am making a few more trips back and forth to my oncologist lately to find out what's going on with my platelet levels (because they had dropped over the last six months). My oncologist was also concerned about my glucose. 

My primary care physician confirmed last week that I have type 2 diabetes. My primary care physician has made sure I have the medication, meal and exercise plans I need to get my glucose under control. The meal plan is not much of a stretch from how we eat today. The exercise plan has increased what I am doing now. I have been asked to do 45 minutes of cardio per day for six of the seven days of the week. [Yes, read that sentence again.] It's not going to be that difficult for me to build back up to the 45 minutes of cardio because I can do this by jogging/running on the treadmill or trails. 

Tracking the medication and glucose readings will take a little bit of adjustments but I created my own spreadsheet to help me with this and will have a booklet of readings and results to share with my doctor. She has no idea what a spreadsheet wizard I am when it comes to tracking progress and results. Those of you that know me can understand why spreadsheets are my thing...I live and work in them every day.

I digress. 

Here is another nugget of data: There is no connection between the low platelets and high glucose. My oncologist is not sure why they dropped and has me on medication over the next couple of weeks to see if the platelet levels can come up to the normal range. We will know the results of the medication the first week of August. I pray for higher levels and know that this is one thing I cannot control. In the mean time, I focus on what I can control - positive attitude, putting laundry in the dryer when it is finished and how much ice goes in my cup.

Item #0722: Remember that there is very little in this world you can control. Pick one thing a day and do it knowing that there is power in the universe that will take care of the rest. 

We often forget the bigger picture of life and focus on the little things that mean nothing. Be the ripple in the ocean of life and leave everyone and everything better when it is your time to walk away.

I love your guts!

What are platelets doing?

Hi. It's me and my sweet angel, Holley. I feel her presence and know I am covered with HIS love and grace. 

Today, I went to see my oncologist this morning to check my platelet levels to see if they've gone up. I prayed almost every day to give me strength and know that HIS will is my path. 

My husband was with me to receive the news at the same time as me and listen attentively to the doctor. She told me that my platelet levels went down to 70,000. There are several steps to find out what is going on with my platelets. This is NUTS! Then, there is no explanation why I'm still having a lot of bone/joint pain. Now I get to take steroids, after making sure my glucose level is under control and get another specialist added to #TeamNikki 

Item #4950 - Just when you think you are near the finish line, you have a longer way to run. Keep a steady pace. Smile. Just keep going. When things seem tough and hard, they probably are, so you need to push through. Be a winner. Give of yourself - smile, laugh or open a door for someone. Hugs are good too.

I love your guts!

Here we go again...

Three weeks ago, I went to my six month check up with my oncologist. Yes, Jeff was there by my side, because where else would he be on this day? A lot had happened in our lives since November 2015. Loss. Heartache. Tragedy. Illness. 

I will pick up on the last one. I got sick with an upper respiratory infection in the middle of January. I went to my doctor (general practitioner) to diagnose and treat me. This illness was tough and I had to get a few different medicines to get me through this to be well. It took weeks for me to feel better but I still had a hacking cough. Everyone said it would go away in weeks and not to worry. Fast forward to March 4. I still had the cough and share my news with my oncologist. She was NOT happy and said I should have called her. OOPS. I didn't think much of it because I was going to see her "soon". I know better. During my appointment I also told her about the pain in my hip that "comes and goes" since December. Again, she furrowed her brow at me and wasn't sure what I've been thinking. I told her that I just don't want to deal with this and thought things would be fine. Ha! I was wrong. She ordered a CT for my respiratory issue and a MRI for my hip. Then said, come back and see me in three weeks for results. 

Now that I had these tests completed, waiting is all I have to do until Thursday. I keep shouting out, "I AM WELL! GO TO HELL (cancer)!". I repeat to myself that my cancer is still asleep and I am well. These tests will reveal NOTHING. Shout with me that I am well and cancer is still asleep. 

I had a nice chat with my friend M, that is a breast cancer fighter, this morning. She encouraged me to see if I can get the appointment sooner than Thursday. She said out loud what I was thinking. I have a call in to the appointment department to see if I can get a time with my doctor on Wednesday.

Item #4311: Embrace today. Laugh. Giggle. Hug. Cry. Do it all and remember that you are blessed.

I love your guts!

Latest update

Many things have happened since November. I was busy at work in November which made the month go by fast. We decorated our lawn with inflatables from SpongeBob to a penguin. The kids had a lot of fun looking at the lights every night. 

Christmas break was nice, until my dear friend went to the hospital with a respiratory infection, just before the New Year. Then we got news about a tragic loss in my husband's family. My friend, HK, was a Stage IV breast cancer thriver. She was there for a week trying to get better so she could start the New Year off right. Just when she thought the doctor was going to let her go home, she was told that there were no more treatment options for her disease and that it was spreading. Oh how my heart broke into pieces. And into many more pieces when she drifted off to be with Jesus less than a week later. 

My sweet friend, M, surprised me a couple of weeks ago with a sign that is so fitting. She's a rock star and love her heaps. This sign has a place in my heart and my home.

 

Come on 2016 - be good to me. We need some good news. And.....nope, it hasn't gotten better. Another family has been impacted with a breast cancer diagnosis. I know God has this sweet lady and her family in His hands. We pray for strength, focus and fire to fight a good fight.

Item #766: Remember to say nice things to everyone you encounter, even those that you do not like. Smile. It's free. Get out there and make the world a better place. Please and thank you.

I love your guts!

 

Pinktober

This post is short and sweet.

I had a few people ask me about October. I want to share this note with you and ask you to pass this on to your friends.

As a breast cancer survivor, this is my opinion of Pinktober.

1. Health: If you are unsure about anything regarding your breasts or your health, please see a doctor. I don't want to lose you! I am here to be a resource for you if you have questions, are scared or just need reassurance. I am here for you, like you were/are here for me.

2. Pink purchases: Items/companies that state a portion of the sale goes to research, check out how much (%/$). If it is an item that you normally buy, need more of and it is wrapped in pink this month, buy it anyway. I want you to be an informed consumer.

3. Pink clothing: If pink is your color, wear it. In fact, wear it all year long. It's not my favorite color, but I sprinkled it in my wardrobe before I was diagnosed.

4. Volunteer/donate: If you want to do more, donate your time to a patient or local resource organization like the The Breast Cancer Resource Centers of Texas_BCRC. There are many ways to volunteer. One small gesture makes a HUGE difference. There are many fighters that have no family or friends that are close to help and support them.

5. Metastatic breast cancer (Stage IV): This stage of cancer affects too many women and does not have a cure. These women need your support all year round. Follow and share stories about women taking this on every day. Holley Kitchen: And the Cancer Lifers is a great place to start. #lifer #researchnotribbons

As a survivor, we put up a strong front. Many days we just want to be alone, silent and undisturbed, but we push on for our families, friends and mostly for ourselves. We are unique and fantastic.

Now you have a little more information than you did a few minutes ago about breast cancer. Being educated and pushing for research is what this month should be about.

I love your guts!

Pefection does not equal happiness

Perfection - we see posts on social media of perfect situations. Hello world, "look how perfect and cool I am." Note to world: life is not perfect snapshots in time. Perfection could also be a neat and museum-like home. Come on, people. Nobody's home should be like a museum, unless your home is for sale. Let's stop the madness!

My perfection is imperfection. My hair is messy when I drive my kids to school. I don't always match my clothes. My house has piles of clean and dirty clothes. I get sweaty and turn red as a beet when I workout. I sneeze loud. I am happy. Find your happiness.

Item # 309: Take a break from social media, even if for an evening, to find your happiness. 

I love your guts!

Children get cancer, too

I follow this precious little girl, Becca Boo, on Facebook. She just posted the best video ever. Please watch and share. Use the hash tag #beccaboo

Becca's video

Item #001: Share. Educate. Empower.

I love your guts!

Purpose

Finding your purpose changes over time. When I was in my twenties, my purpose was to be all things to everyone - wife, mother, daughter, friend and all-around awesome. I did not take time to sit and know myself. When I was in my thirties, I focused on growing our family and being super-mom. Now that I am in my forties and much wiser, I am focused on being His humble servant and being the example of health and strength for my children, family and friends. I fail at being healthy 100 percent of the time and know that perfection is not the outcome, just overall happiness with myself. 

This week I am reminded that having purpose is different for everyone, just like snowflakes. Purpose for each of us is different. My purpose is to be loving, kind, mindful of others and increase my physical strength. I will work every day to walk in the light of His love.

Item #546: Be the example of goodness you want to see in the world. Remove the negative energy from your circle and let the light shine.

I love your guts!

Latest news...

I know it has been a couple of months since my last entry. A lot has happened in the last sixty days. Here is the run down...

Art Bra Austin 2015

I participated in my first Art Bra fundraising event. I raised $525 and the whole event raised $390.000. Wow! Yes, I am participating again next year. Get ready to buy tickets at the beginning of May 2016 - tickets sell out. Next year I am submitting a custom bra and I will walk in honor of my friend Julie.


I had been experiencing some heart irregularities, while at rest, and it was concerning enough to go see a cardiologist. I am praying that it is nothing and something I will deal with going forward. I am on a heart monitor until July and will see the cardiologist to review my results. This is perfect timing, because it will be part of my early July trifecta - that includes my mammogram, oncology appointment (six months!).

Julie

Stage IV breast cancer is something nobody talks about because there is no "cure". Now cure is a word that I would never use for a disease unless there was truly a vaccination or cocktail that would remove all doubt that it will not come back again. I am not cured and Stage IV ladies are perpetually in treatment. I know too many Stage IV ladies. Please take a moment to read about Julie. She and I met when our daughters began playing soccer together (her middle daughter). I just happened to be recently diagnosed at that time and she was kind enough to share her wisdom with me about treatment options and outcomes when I had questions. My best memories of her during the soccer seasons was when she rallied the moms to sew costumes for the girls for their Halloween tournament. There we were, sitting under the shade of the oak tree, sewing cat ears on head bands. There was lots of laughter and cheering during the seasons while watching the girls' skills grow. Please pray for her and her beautiful family.

Another Stage IV, lifer and good friend of mine, Holley, has shared her educational video that got 46M+ views on Facebook last week. If you haven't seen the message, here is the link. This video helps bring to light the facts of Stage IV. #themoreyouknow #lifer

Item 004: Hug, smile and laugh more. Soak in the moment.

I love your guts!

 

Twisted X Boots Post

I am happy to share my post on Twisted X Boots Facebook site. I appreciate them sharing my story with others to know that breast cancer does not discriminate.

Please go like their page and share my story and others with those around you.

Day 23 of our Cancer Survivor series of Western Tough, Tough Enough to Wear Pink month.In November 2011, I walked in...
Posted by Twisted X Boots on Thursday, April 23, 2015

I love your guts!

Tough and strong - nope, just giving 100 percent

Survivors of any disease or tragedy are considered 'tough' or 'strong' by others. This is a message that should shift. These are traits within each of us and when we give focus, attention to keep going. Our response to adversity shows ourselves and others our true effort of 100%. 

When my doctor confirmed I had cancer, I knew that I was in control to make decisions I thought and felt were right for me. Every case is different, because every person is different. My journey, to date, has been very conservative. My analytic side said make sure the data makes sense before going forward with any treatment. My heart said, keep still and not to go forward with any decision if it does not feel right.

This morning when I read the article about Angelina Jolie, I understand her reasons for taking steps to reduce risk and remove her ovaries. When I made the same decision, it was not all over the Internet, but many of the feelings she so freely expressed were shared by me and many of the other women. It is a tough decision and I had to make it if I wanted to see out my lifetime of events.

When you tell me I'm 'tough' or 'strong', just know this is when you are seeing me give my 100% down to the last drop. I do it because I am driven, loved and supported by people like you. While most say they could never be as strong as me, I shake my head and know that if you want something bad enough, you can achieve your goal.

Item # 855: Give 100% focus, attention, time or heart to someone or something you want and you will reap rewards you never knew were possible.

I love your guts!

Friday the 13th - good or bad

I find that this date throughout recent history proves to be scary and to be avoided. While others embrace and say that it is a lucky day. I'm agnostic to the date because any Friday is or should be a good day. There is too much negative in the world, so why not be positive. Be open to new and change. Be willing to stretch and be better than you need to be today. Remember, your attitude is a reflection of what people see and give back to you.

Item #858: Your smile or simple act of kindness resonates farther than you know. Spread positive energy because this world needs more.

I love your guts!