X marks the spot

This afternoon I went to the doctor's office to get "mapped" for my radiation treatments. My torso is full of Xs and apparently this image is not the universal sign for Dos Equis. Too bad!


Ok, so the word "full" in the previous paragraph was over the top, but I have 6 Xs and several dashes marked on me that are covered with clear adhesive tape. I am supposed to do my best to keep these from rubbing off of me or they will have to map me again. I promised them that I would follow washing instructions but this isn't the worst part. For the next 6 weeks, I will not be able to wear deodorant under my left arm and will possibly be stinky for the week. So, don't sit too close to my left side or down wind from me. I may smell a bit funky :-)


After my "mapping" appointment, I was walking through the waiting room to leave and noticed someone that I was sure I knew. I walked over and asked if she was Kendra. She said yes but didn't recognize me and had a blank stare on her face. Now, for me, this was like seeing a famous person. Why? Well, I follow her blog and laugh out loud when I read her stories because I think her sense of humor is similar to mine. I went up to her and expressed to her how great it was to meet her. I think she was blown away. Her husband kind of giggled at me and may have been thinking, 'any minute now, this lady is going to ask for Kendra's autograph.' At least that is what I thought he was thinking. Point to the story: I am going to have experiences that only those that have been here before me can understand and it is helpful to make these connections.


When I finally stopped talking to Kendra and left the office, I saw an older lady sitting in the lobby. I did not get a good look at her but I saw her hair and it reminded me of the way my grandmother wore her hair. As I walked by her, I smelled the perfume she would wear. When I turned around, the lady was gone. Now, I don't know if she had running shoes on but I am going to guess she just moves fast. As I approached the doors, the smell was gone. I got a chill and tears filled my eyes as I walked to my car. Was this my imagination? I can only imagine that this is a sign for me to know that things are going to be just fine. She would tell me to be happy and not to worry. I miss her a lot.


I love your guts!


Item #134: Signs are all around us. We just need to pay attention.

I made a decision

I will not take the chemo treatment

After listening to the recommendation from my oncologist, I made the decision not to take the chemo treatment. I know there is still a small chance of recurrence, but my faith has helped me feel at peace with my decision.


I choose to focus on the fact that the glass is 88% full. I have a good chance for the cancer not coming back with the combination of surgery, radiation and tamoxifen (pills I will take 1 pill a day for the next 5 years). Oh yeah, tamoxifen is a cornerstone to the treatment. Too bad they don't have a patch for this or an injection. 

Next up...radiation

Wednesday afternoon, I get measured and mapped for radiation. I hear it's like having a group of treasure map X's placed on you that you cannot wash off. Ha! This is going to be fun. [I hope you sensed the sarcasm.] This will be another adventure. The nurse told me that I would start as early as Thursday or on Monday, April 2. This will be a journey of 6 and 1/2 weeks of treatments Monday through Friday. Yes, I will need help with kids and home but not sure when and what. 

How do I feel?

I feel good. I am not in any pain. I am healing very well from surgery. The scars are minimal, thanks to Maderma. Thanks Mom! Oh yes, and I have a new appliance that was installed today. Jeff and I purchased a new gas stove with 5 burners.  Not only was it a great deal, but after getting the run around, we got the stove installed. Now, my kitchen is complete with all black appliances. I cannot wait to cook tomorrow, even if it is reheating left overs or making scrambled eggs. Every day is great because the sun feels a little warmer and the kids run around a little faster. My life is better than most and sometimes I forget I have cancer. Those are the moments when I smile. 

I love your guts!

P.S. Aunt Vicki, I guess I'm not as close to the summit as I thought I was a few weeks ago, but I'm getting close with every step :)

Staying busy

Work, home and health

This is an image of what is going on in my head. Since my last post, I have done my best to stay busy with work and home. I am still restricted from lifting anything more than 10 pounds but feel great and want to get out and run, jump and roll around. The heaviest thing I lift is my notebook computer for work. 

Tomorrow is another results day. I find out the recommendation for treatment. Yes, this type of waiting is very disruptive to daily life, but I try to push back the "what if" bucket of thoughts and begin to focus on other items.

What have I been focusing on? Exciting projects at work. I have been told not to take on too much right now, but this is exciting and distracting for me. However, I have worked out some agreements with my manager and Jeff to raise my hand and say when I am tired. The good news is that I have great support at work and team members to help pick up the slack for me. Plus, I have a strong support system of family and friends to help me at home. 

Other items I focus on is Madison playing her inaugural soccer season. It is so much fun to watch her play. She runs and sometimes will prance. Oh, and how can I forget the way she stops to pick up a hand full of grass. It makes me laugh and then I have to remember that she is just 4 and not out to get an endorsement deal from Gatorade or Adidas.

Take time to do something nice for yourself. I realize that I do a terrible job at this and want to do this more. Is it being selfish? I think only you can answer that question. My nice thing will be a pedicure next week. This sparkling pink nail polish is wearing on me. And my other something nice will be when I can take a yoga class next month. I will start back up in a few weeks when I am cleared to begin stretching and using my core again.

I will post an update tomorrow afternoon on the results.

I love your guts!

I know the number from the test

Introducing number 

This is the original 18

The nurse at the oncologist's office called me just before 5pm yesterday to tell me my score. She indicated that the number borders on low to medium range. My response was well, does this mean she can see me sooner than Tuesday? She told me that I could come in at 8:15am today for a quick appointment with Dr. H. My response was no. Why? Well, I can bend and flex my schedule only so much and lately I need to keep some normalcy. I host a monthly global meeting at work and generally Thursdays in our house are chaotic. After I hung up the phone, I started to think that maybe I should have taken the appointment. However, I am glad I did not. I know the number and where it falls but it doesn't do me any good to fret. Life goes on.

When my doctor has enough time to review my entire case, we will meet and hear her recommendations. Of course I don't want to go through chemo. I haven't heard one person cheer and say, "heck yeah, I want that!" I have things to do and goals to meet (personal and professional). When a decision has been made, we will move forward. Like snowflakes, each cancer case is different. I will cross this bridge when I get all the facts to make a decision. 

After reading this, you know as much as I do and I recommend that you not search the Internet to learn about Oncotype 18. You will spiral into a twist that may be untwistable. And right now, I don't need anyone in my life twisted :-)

I love your guts!

Remember this cat?

Do you recognize me?

Hi. Do you remember this cat? Well, she's back. 


Another delay because results from the super-special, gene reading test are not going to be ready until the end of this week. And the doctor cannot see me until Tuesday morning, March 27 to review all pathology and test results.


How am I doing? I think this picture just sums it all up. 

Amy Farrah Fowler

Perspective...I have an amazing support system to catch me when I fall. They prop me up and remind me that I am doing better than most. Some are fierce (because I need them to be and that is who they are), tell me to snap out of it and just enjoy today. On the inside I am the cat. What? Did you want to know about the outside? I look fine on the outside and actually smiled a couple of times. I have a glass full of iced water. It is nice and quiet here in the office. Plus, I am having a new stove delivered this evening. Life is great, even when you have to wait. Every day I will remember to smile, like Amy Farrah Fowler. 


I love your guts!

I need a golf score on this test...

Cancer test : golf score

Today I got the pamphlet about the Oncotype test. Get ready to laugh with me...the envelope it arrived in was the tall 8-12" x 11" size. The pamphlet is an awkward 4" x 5", 10-paged glossy book of non-information. The company has the nerve to call this a guide. I did learn that the test looks a 21 different genes, where only 16 relate to the benefit from chemotherapy and the chance of cancer coming back.  Now that was informative. 


Now, the score. They score the results 0 to 100 and the lower the number, the less likely chemo will be recommended. Well, that sounds great, but I want a number! I may be a marketing professional, but I still need some numbers. Still no number is given. I continue to read that if the number is high, chemotherapy is beneficial. Sounds logical. On the next page, it explains that a low score does not mean the cancer will not return. By now, I want to pull my hair out. Oh wait, it might come out on its own later. This pamphlet makes me want to explain the game of golf to Madison and Brett. "Now, honey, the lower your score is, you will be a winner. And if your score is high, you lose. No, I cannot tell you how low the number should be, just know it needs to be a small number, like 1 or 2. Or it could be 6 or 11. No, I'm not sure...."  [Disclaimer: I spent my one sarcasm pass for the day.]


Basically, this pamphlet tells me the test is a guess at what is going on in your body at a microbial level. Based on historical performance of tests on a range of women close to your age, your oncologist may or may not recommend chemotherapy as part of your cancer treatment. 


I resolve myself to say that God has the master plan for me. I handed this over to Him and will be ready to play some golf - literally and figuratively. 


Running is fun, but driving the ball a further distance than my husband really makes me smile. When I get full mobility back and I have a pocket of time, let's hit a bucket of balls. I'm best with the driver and love to hit off the tee. Perhaps I need to be shopping for a new one instead of a watch. I am not sure I care what time it is anymore. Ha!

I love your guts! 


P.S. My house is clean today - from top to bottom. BIG thanks to my Aunt Linda! Thank you for this wonderful treat!!! A clean home checks one more thing off my list of things that need to get done.

Another test and technical information

Another test has been ordered to study the molecular make up of the tumor to determine the risk recurrence and whether or not I will need chemotherapy. This is a test done in California by a company called Genomic. Learn more about this test and what it tells doctors. So...this test means that we push out my Monday appointment with my oncologist until Wednesday, 3/21. We anticipate she will have these results and not have to call me back for another appointment. Let's get all the info at once - review pathology from surgery, review the oncatype test and talk about next steps. Plus, I will have my preliminary radiation appointment the same day.


Preliminary information that I know now about my cancer. The stage is 1A, which means that the mass was 2cm and no lymph nodes were involved (or no cancer detected in the nodes). For more visual information, please visit the government health website. 


I provided this information resource for those of you that are curious to know more about the technical part of the process. 


This is a lot of information to digest but it is a reminder to me that the medicine of treatment is equal parts science and art. I believe the role of healing is equal parts faith, trust and attitude. 

Truth #157: I miss my running shoes. The crushed granite that makes its way into my shoes. Mud that kicks up on the back of my legs when I run in after a rain. I see them in the corner of my room because I know it will be soon that I can put them on and run (OK, maybe jog or just walk) again soon. The shoes are hideous - pink and electric yellow, but they work so well for trails and feel so good.


I love your guts!

Movin' on up

I am on my way to the top. Surgery was successful last Monday to remove the mass and no indications of cancer in the lymph nodes. I will see my surgeon for post-op on Tuesday, March 13, to get all the pathology details. The results will be reviewed in depth with my oncologist on March 19 to discuss next steps.


I am not alone on this journey and could not have made it this far without tremendous support from family and friends. It is times like this that the words 'thank you' do not seem like enough. Without each prayer, positive thought and helping hand, this journey would be very difficult for me to stay positive. I appreciate my family and friends that reached out with a nice note, open arms or a funny joke to make me smile. Each of you in your own way has made these last couple of months bearable. 


Today I am up and moving around almost at 100%. The stitches are healing and soon I will have scars that remind me how tough I am and the power of prayer. I know many I will never meet that prayed for me to fight a good fight and it humbles me to know many more that will need this same strength. 

Even though I am getting closer to see the summit of this mountain set before me, I am strong in faith to know that He does not give me more than I can manage. When I am weak, He will carry me. When I am strong, I will climb to the top to feel the sun on my face and the wind at my back. Let's go to Brazil in February 2013!


I love your guts!

Ready to fight

I am ready to fight a good fight! Derek is my favorite baseball player and he inspires me. To all you sock fans (LOL!) suck it up, at least he isn't in every post ;-)


This evening Jeff and I talked about tomorrow. Not a lot to say. This event is not the end, it is the necessary step for the doctors to develop the best plan of treatment. We pray for clean pathology reports - indicating the tissue around the mass and the lymph nodes are clear of cancerous cells. We understand that medicine is an art and science because no two cases are the same. 


I will not be online for a few days to make updates. So, if you get an update before I post again, please comment on this post to share with others. My parents, aunts and uncles will be by to help out during the week to help keep our schedule of events. 


I love your guts!