Accepting things I cannot change

I cannot change the course of my live over the last 6 months, but I can say that I took a step out on a ledge and shared my story with my Facebook friends. 


Here is the entry I shared:

Disease is defined as an abnormal condition affecting the body of an organism. On January 23, 2012, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Every story is different. Uncertainty and fear surfaced when I heard my diagnosis. Sharing my news and deciding who, how and when to share was hard for me to process.

I struggled with the awkwardness of telling others, especially my family. What about friends, co-workers and even people on social media? It felt like I might need a PR representative or intern to help me manage these circles.

This was a personal event and I only shared with my family and a very small circle of friends. Some were told in person, others got a phone call, email or even a text. I had no idea what I needed, so I asked for prayers. I relied on my faith to meet the challenge. My personal prayers were focused on asking for strength for my family. Countless others prayed for me. Through my faith, strength and drive to survive, today I am a survivor.

Please know I am luckier than most and that my disease does not define me but will always be a part of me.

I would like to THANK everyone that supported us, provided meals, rides to the doctors, housekeeping, shuttling my kids, bringing groceries, keeping my kids’ schedule when I could not, chatting when I needed an ear, thoughtful emails, notes and prayers.

I love your guts!

I am not feeling like myself

I am the worst at taking medicine because I never like the way it makes me feel, even if it is supposed to 'heal' me. I know that I am directed by my doctor to take these pills so I can be healthy, but what is the cost? 


Sometimes I feel on edge like I just drained out the local coffee shop. Other times, I am just going through the motions of life feeling disconnected. On the bright side, I am not experiencing any hot flashes, just bouts of chills and freezing fingers and toes. This feeling I have because of the 81mg aspirin I take with Tamoxifen. 


Now I feel like this is complaining. What a first world problem to have --- medicine that is helping keep cancer at bay. Help me come back to realize that life is good. What can be done to make it better? I guess I cannot camp out alone for the next 5 years, there is too much to do, see and experience.


Today I live with gratitude and will relax, release (the feeling, thought or just exhale) and run on to the next adventure.


Thank you to those that reached out the last couple of weeks to listening and letting me be in the moment.


I love your guts!

My hands are not big enough

I remember being 5 and so anxious to be a "big girl" and ride my bike without training wheels. What a feeling of freedom riding my bike. Several years later, I was excited to play girls' basketball in middle school. While learning the game and playing, I noticed my hands were a bit too small to hold the basketball. After many practices and years of going back to play, I forgot that I thought my hands were not big enough. During high school, I learned about joy and heart ache. The joy of playing multiple sports, learning to type instead of how to cook and sew. Not to mention losing close friends. Again, my hands were not big enough to remove away hurt or disappointment. Several years later, my hands learned to care for a small baby and take on the world. Ok, so not the entire world, but my new world.


The point of this is to remember that our hands are not big enough to make everything better or tackle the large projects alone, but they handle what He gives us. I do not look sick and do not always feel sick. I feel good and stop when I ache or feel tired. I take on every day holding my head high and know that I am strong enough to make today a good day. I will look back on this time in my life and know that my hands were not big enough to tackle this alone. Many stood beside me and held onto my hands when they were not big enough. Thank you all!


I love your guts!