Dream maker, not a dream killer

Today, I am reminded that we are who we are today because someone believed and encouraged us to dream big and think big. All to often we are going at lightning speed and do not always hear what we say to those we love and others around us. Be the dream maker and encourage someone to follow their dreams or aspirations. You have no idea what your words will mean to someone who needs that last bit of encouragement to push forward.

Some people think they are doing as much as they can do and no longer aspire to do more because they do not want to put in the work or think that their efforts will go unnoticed. Whatever the case, your words can make a difference to others...and even yourself. 

It is easier to smile than it is to frown. Be a light for someone today!

I love your guts!

16 days post iron pills

Well I am still up and about and working out. I feel like I have not slowed down too much. However, I do notice that it is easy for me to fall asleep at the end of the day. I am not sure this is normal but when I close my eyes, I tell myself that it will only be for a couple of minutes. Then three hours later, I open my eyes and I am shocked. My feet and fingers get cold or sometimes I am cold all over. Perhaps I need a penguin pelt coat to keep me warm. Just joking, I would rather have a down sweater or pants. Maybe that would keep me awake. Oh wait. Nope. Those type of clothing items would put me right to sleep. My thought is that my body may be producing iron on its own, but maybe not at the levels it should be at this time. Self diagnosis: do lab work and consult with Dr. R to make sure we agree that I should take iron supplements for a while longer. However, he is the one that went to medical school and can best tell me how we proceed. Prognosis to be determined after my visit with him on the morning of December 6.

I am feeling stronger, physically. Working out 2 hours a week with my friends, also known as Divas, from work that are survivors and advocates for breast cancer, has been a tremendous boost for my fitness. 

And, I feel great when my home is cleaned. My treat to me, once a month to make sure we do not live in a pig sty. Oh speaking of sty. There is also something going on with my eye. A couple of weeks ago, my allergies were flared up. My eyes were itchy, I was coughing and then it passed. My left eye felt like there was something in there but after looking in the mirror, there was a bubble formed on the white of my eye. Like a perfect round bubble the size of a tiny pebble. I did not aspirate the pocket of fluid because again, I am not a medical professional...when it comes to poking at my eyes. After putting it off for a week, I finally went to see my eye doctor yesterday afternoon. He indicated that it is not anything to be concerned about but if I wanted a referral to have it aspirated, just let him know. Since I declined a referral, I did take the sample he gave me to use in the mean time. Oh yeah, and he found another pocket beginning to form in my other eye. Jeeze, can I get a break? I pray that this fluid resolves itself so I do not need to get a referral to have it aspirated.

I think this is enough for now. I shake my head and know that I can only take care of today. Tomorrow will take care of itself and welcome me with open arms to surprise and delight me. Or at least that is my wish.

I love your guts!

Last iron pill today

Holy crap! I cannot believe I completed six weeks of iron supplements. This morning was the last day for me to take the pill. Every day I prayed that my body would take over and give me good results when I go to the lab in a few weeks. I have to go do lab work at least two weeks before my next appointment with my GI specialist. Dr. R is confident that the six weeks of iron supplements will help me with my liver enzyme levels, anemia and low red blood cells. 

I am keeping up the 4x week work outs and eating well. Drinking LOTS of water all the time. I could be a camel and survive in the desert if necessary. Plus, I have a super-great support system of family and friends. You guys inspire me to do great every day and stay positive. Every day I have a choice on my attitude and I choose to be victorious and find the goodness of every situation. 

Keep up with me - next week, I will see my oncologist for my 12 week check up. We still have more to talk about...those pesky cysts on my ovary are still there. Or are they? Yes, I think they are still there because they tug and pull at me at random times. I will not let this put a cloud over me. I am strong. I can do more than most. I am blessed!

Item #945: The next time you eat your favorite food or drink, close your eyes and take a cleansing breath and then slowly consume. Savor each bite to remember why it is your favorite. This experience is LIVING. 

I love your guts!

STOP! It's me time.

Every day, I am lucky enough to have dishes to wash, little socks to pair up and a garage to pull into at the end of the day. Along with these luxuries, I can work anywhere I can get WiFi. This afternoon, I am sitting in the shade, enjoying the breeze and listening to random conversations. And monitoring my battery life for my computer.

Taking a few moments to stop your day and soak in the world around you may help you re-center, re-focus and re-charge your batteries. 

Item#199: Be well. Do good work. Be kind to others.

I love your guts!

Over used words and phrases

Today I was thinking about some phrases and words we use that have become acceptable.  Now you may think I am referring to bad words or phrases. I am going to disappoint you because these are nowhere close to being bad or offensive. 

Before I get started with the list, I am bringing this to light because my perspective has been put to task over the last twenty months. Come along for the ride and nod or shake your head.

"I am too busy..." Really? You are too busy? Then pause or stop what you are doing and think about how you can restructure your day, week or priorities. You may be "too busy" because you have a hard time saying no. I have data (non-scientific) that indicates that most women cannot say no because we have a need to please or help others. I am one of those people and need to remind myself to stop.

"I am so tired..." OMG - I do not like hearing this at all! Yes, I feel that way frequently. I felt it most when I was going through treatment. I know other women who are not as fortunate to have such a great support system as me. When I hear this, think this or sometimes catch myself saying it out loud, I take a moment to evaluate if I am truly tired from a lack of sleep or food. Or if I am doing too much during the day/week beyond my true capacity. If I answer no to these questions, then someone should flog me with donut holes or mud pies.

"I'm just saying." Well, yes, when you speak, you are saying something. There is no need to follow any statement or story with this phrase, ever! Please stop saying this phrase. 

"I couldn't care less." Wow. Listen to the phrase again, I couldn't care less. This is what is known as a double negative. This statement emphasizes that you do care. 

Irregardless - For the love of Pete (St. Peter), please stop using this word. This word is a double negative. Let me break this down for you. The word regardless stands alone meaning without regard or some say willie nilly. When you add the prefix "ir" to the beginning of regardless, you are saying with regard. Your sentence or statement would probably be fine without the word. Try saying or writing your statement without this irritating word. [stepping down from soap box]

Thank you for listening to my rant. I have more, but will reserve it for another time.

I hope you got a chuckle about the crazy things stuck on my mind. There is so much more but it is usually sport related and I am not sure that is what you want to read about. Go forth and share this list with others. They may not be aware :)

I love your guts!

Soak it in

I am soaking in the simple things around me. Tonight I am reminded that life can be taken without warning. Hang on tight and know when it is time to let go and ask for help. We cannot be strong alone. Together, we are always stronger. Those that have known me for more than ten years know that these two little ones were all but a dream for us. Now they have been in our charge for just over eight years. What a journey to get one here and we were blessed to get another.

Just take a moment to see what I see and feel the connection to something greater than us.

And yes, I painted this picture and it hangs in our home office.

I love your guts! 

I am feeling stronger

I was able to walk with my team at work to help raise funds and awareness about children's childhood cancer. My belly is still a bit swollen but in due time, my body will finish healing on the inside. 

Walking 30 minutes a day goes by fast. Try it some time, you will feel great.

Working from home affords me to eat whole foods, fresh foods and I know exactly what I am consuming. I cannot stress how important that is for me and my health. I am still thinking about those meatless tacos I had with my awesome friend. Tonight is soccer practice for both kids and I'm splitting parent duty with another mother. Her son and Brett are playing on the same team this season and our girls have played together for three seasons now. Activities like this make me feel normal and back to my old self. I am blessed to have this experience and do not overlook how simple or cumbersome this may be for others. They do not know how so many people would give up almost everything they have to be in their shoes. 

#986: Remember today that you are luckier than others around you. Stop and take in the world around you. Enjoy. 

I love your guts!

Lab results...

Well, your prayers and positive thoughts came through for me. The extensive tests ordered by my GI specialist came back relatively positive. Enzyme levels went down. Yay! Glucose levels, also down. Woot! And for the final item...I am anemic. I have very low iron and has affected my red blood cell count. The doctor recommends that I take iron supplements for 6 weeks and come in for lab before my next appointment in a few months.

I feel like I won a mini-spa vacation after listening to the lab results. I will treat myself to a mani-pedi next week in celebration of these results.

Today, I am surrounded by the strength of those who came before me and those that stand by my side to support me. Thank you for all you do!

I love your guts!

Best non-beef beef tacos

I was just treated to a great lunch by one of my closest friends who knows my journey and always makes me laugh. As we sat at her kitchen table, we watched the squirrel and birds in her back yard. Between our conversation and chowing on the awesome taco, I looked outside and said, "Hey, there's a mouse out there." She was grossed out and promptly got up and went out the door to throw a rock in his direction. She said, "I don't know where he lives, but he cannot stay here." We laughed and I was so tickled. 

Thank you for the great lunch, conversation and awesome friendship. Feeling the love and still waiting for results from lab work on Monday.

Item #290: Today is Patriot Day. I am proud of those who protect and serve our community and country...every day. I am not just referring to our military, but our EMS, police, fire and volunteers that support emergency situations. Take a moment to reflect on how lucky we are to live in a country where these services are in place to protect us when we are in need.

I love your guts!

I just want to cry

I want to cry - probably tears of joy and fear all wrapped together. This morning, I got up feeling great. Looking great. And the whole time knowing I had to go to the lab this morning and get a bucket of blood drawn to test for 2 sheets worth of items, as prescribed by my GI doctor. He says to stay positive, which I am saying good things about the visit and results should take only 48 hours.

Today, I pray for good news from the blood work and that I can keep pushing forward to a healthier me.

Item #4187: Embrace the moment. Treat it with care because it will not come again. 

I love your guts! 

Update

After many appointments and follow up calls with nurses to get additional questions answered, along with talking to Jeff, I have come to the following decision on my plan of action: 

I will have surgery to remove excess skin around the midsection to help give a jump-start to being healthier and secondary is attitude improvement. Not that my attitude is bad, but it would make physical activities easier for me. Plus, I could do much more.

After the surgery, I need to meet with a GI specialist to investigate why my liver enzyme levels are super-elevated. Yes, darn liver enzymes are acting up. They were elevated in April but more than doubled in July. Akkk!

Then after 6 - 8 weeks, I will have surgery to remove my remaining internal lady parts - uterus and ovary. After this surgery, I will change daily meds from Tamoxifen to Arimidex or Femera. I am not fond of these choices, but I guess if you get the choice of crappy or crappy, you are going to choose crappy. The term 'crappy' is used in jest because of the side effects. Again, do not look them up, you will cry.

My goal is to be done with all of this mess in time for the end of year events...Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. Yup, I said (or wrote) it...Christmas.

I have great support for these plans. Team Nikki doctors are supportive of my decisions. Team Nikki @ work are fabulous. Friends of Nikki are ready to swoop in to help. And of course, Family of Nikki are here to help me when I need it most.

Today...oh, I'm all out of wisdom today.

I love your guts! 

More junk!

This is the week of doctor appointments - Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Well, the first one sucked! I went to see the NP at my gyno's office and she said, 'Oh my!' I turned my head to look at the monitor and I saw them staring back at me...cysts the size of the screen. Of course they are magnified, but holy macaroni. Here we go again.

I'm not sure if there were two huge ones or 4 of them. The NP tried to twist around to see the back and I almost lifted off the exam table, so she stopped and confirmed for me that my right ovary has been invaded. Now, why couldn't this be the case where I could produce follicles this size back 15 years ago when we were trying to have a baby. *SIGH*

When I walked through the door for my appointment, this is NOT the news I wanted to hear and I am sure Casey did not want to give it to me. While I was there, she took many photos of the offenders and gave me a set to share with my oncologist on Friday. BLEK! More decisions to come.

Tomorrow, I go see my surgeon who took the cyst out of me a few weeks back. This is just a routine check and I know for sure I will be in and out in no time. Dr. B is such a great joy to chat with and she has great stories to tell. I cannot wait to hear the story of the day tomorrow.

Then on Friday, I take all my info from Monday and Wednesday and have a heart-to-heart discussion with Dr. H. I have many questions and scenarios outlined. I am ready to hear what she has to suggest and offer as resolution.

Take time to appreciate the rain because it can't rain all the time. The sun has to come out...eventually.

I love your guts!

Freedom!

Sorry for the suspense. I was a bit distracted. The 'thorn' in my side is gone and I have a scar in the process of healing. The initial diagnosis of the lump is that there is no cancer detected - AMEN! I will see my surgeon late next week for final pathology review (standard procedure) and give her a big hug. Then tell her, I hope to only see her at coffee shops around town.

I have an awesome support system of family and friends. Thank you all! I am not strong without your support. I am 18 months out from being diagnosed with breast cancer and doing my best to keep healthy but vigilant about seeing my doctors and being aware of any changes that need attention.

Today is Independence Day and I reflect on how a small group of men from England fled their home to change their future and the future of their children. I declare my freedom from the disease of cancer and will do all I can to continue to be free from the chaos it causes me and those around me.

Blessing #538: Be honest with yourself and others. Give big hugs and mean what you say.

I love your guts!

Get out, Jack!

Uncle Si - courtesy of Duck Dynasty

Friday afternoon my surgeon, Dr. B, will remove the 'thorn' in my side. When I refer to thorn, it is the lump I found under my skin on my left ribs. 

My doctors say this will be easy to take care of but what I hear is, 'Ok neurotic lady, we will do what it takes to make you feel better. And check to see if the mass is cancerous or not.' One thing I learned form others in my cancer support group is to continue to keep a positive attitude. Nothing is too small to be ignored. Address everything with your doctor because you never know what is going on inside of you.

What do I need? Pray that I heal quickly and get back on track. I have things to do and places to visit.

I love your guts!

One more thing...

I am not giving this disease the power it is looking for today. It wants to suck the life out of me. Well, buddy, get in line. It's not the initial diagnosis that is painful and hits you like a truck. It is the living with the aftermath and not knowing what the heck is going on in the superhighway under your skin.

Tomorrow I go visit (ha, like we're old friends) my surgeon because I found an almond sized lump under my skin on my ribs. Yes, this is right. The bump is similar in fashion to what I found over a year ago. So, tomorrow, I 'visit' my surgeon to set up a date to get this jackass out of me. However, I want to make sure we don't make a habit of seeing each other too often, so I am asking if I should have a PET scan to see if there are more and if we should make a party of this event. [sigh]

Yes, I am distracted by this occurrence. Not as much as I was when I was told that I have cancer. My oncologist thinks there is a low chance that it is cancer, especially since my markers have been on the low side. However, it is not certain until they get it out and test it to get the final word. 

My message today is not inspirational or breakthrough. I am anxious, mad and tired all wrapped into a neat little bow. My kids keep me laughing and this is the best thing. Yes, I am working from home and they are here with me as a reminder of what is most important for me at the end of the day. I have it better than most and am so very thankful. Kiss those you love. Hug them tight. And give that one friend a call and tell them you were thinking about them and hope they are doing well. Those tiny gestures go a long way beyond the moment.

I love your guts!

Now I need to go clean up little hands full of paint because I left them unsupervised to write this entry. 

Life moments

Hang on tight. Life goes by fast, in the same way a ride on an awesome roller coaster. If you close your eyes, you will miss out.

Long ago, Jeff told me that it was the little things we remember. As I have gone through life, he was right. SHhhhh, do not mention this post to him ;)

Today, I took time away from my work to attend the 2nd grade award assembly for Brett. The ceremony was very efficient, but at the same time, I was a bit remiss about not coming to more activities/events. I do not want to miss out on more and know that I cannot be there for everything, but will do my best to schedule to be more available.

Brett recently lost one of his front teeth and said that he knows he will need braces soon. I am not ready for this step in life yet. Slow down, Father Time. And Madison keeps talking about when she's 15 she will be closer to driving and wearing make up. What? Yes, make up. 

Allow me to share a few photos of them. Snapped at a moment in time that will never be repeated. Just admired and remembered. 

 

 

Take time to drink in the moment. They go by faster than a roller coaster.

I love your guts!

Miracles DO happen

I pray and stay positive to bring my declarations to life. I am centered by my prayers for strength, wisdom and compassion. Breathing deep to relax my mind and body help me be a better person to myself and those around me. When I hear of someone in need, I am compelled, as most of us would be, to contribute to make a difference. Every day, someone is in need around you. Be still and listen for their request.

Remarkable what happens when we observe signs and sound around us. Pay attention!

Item #90: Drink more water.

I love your guts!

All clear...??

Here is what I know. Last week, my CT scan showed no signs of stupid cancer. YAY! However, it did reveal fatty liver deposits. BOO! And it showed that I still have cysts on my right ovary. SHIT!

Luckily, the fatty liver deposits are a side effect of Tamoxifen. Thanks drug makers, you really suck. I can curb some of this with lowering intake of saturated fats and increased exercise. OK, I can do these things.

Monday, I saw my gynecologist to get an update on how my ovary and uterus are looking. We were pleasantly surprised to see that my uterus looked better than before. Again, YAY! My ovary had cysts on there, but they were smaller than before. WOOO-HOOOO! I have to go back in July to get my Mirena replaced and get a check up on how my ovary is doing with the cysts. Again, the cysts are a side effect of Tamoxifen. Yes, another side effect. Do not Google the drug because the side effects will make your head spin. I stopped reading the list in October 2012.

I go see my oncologist in a couple of weeks to recap the CT results and findings from my gynecologist. Not sure what she will say, but I know there will be lab work to check my liver enzymes again. Hopefully she will not want to see me until July or August, too.  

Today I boldly declare that all is clear and leave all the crappy news behind me. I wake up looking forward to see the sun and feel it on my skin. I hug my kids and encourage them to be good to themselves and others.

Item #98: Take your shoes off and walk through the grass. Feel the grass on the bottom of your feet and between your toes. Look down to see the different colors. Close your eyes to smell the grass. And if you are so bold, lay down in the grass and remember what it is like to be close to the ground. Be humble in your actions today. Carry on!

I love your guts!

Remind me to quit complaining...

Maybe I am not complaining on the outside, but on the inside, I am pissed off! I went to get my lab work done again yesterday to check my liver enzyme levels. They were still elevated. BOO! Elevated enough for the doctor to want me to get a CAT scan...this week or ASAP. 

Simmer down. I am picturing that the results will net nothing and the doctor scratching her head in disbelief. I want to come through this test with my arms held high as the winner. F* this side effect. One med that is supposed to keep me from crappy cells growing, promotes other issues. 

Collectively, let us take a moment to be still and know HE is God. I need to breathe deeply and get in my relaxed place. Go there with me and pray for the results to be clear. 

Item #185: Say something nice to someone that annoys you. Shock them into being less annoying. Ha! Just kidding. You will probably just shock yourself. They will not know the difference.

And drink more water!

I love your guts!

Tears of joy or frustration?

Frustration. I am tired of cancer prevention, in the form of medication or multiple medications, result in other types of damage and even more cancer. Damage to other organs, your well being, state of mind and lifestyle.

Frustration. Enough said.

I love your guts!

Adversity

In the face of adversity, the way we handle ourselves and others will show the world our character. Now, I am not sure if this is a saying but it sounds pretty darn inspiring.

Today, many people close to me are facing adversity in their lives. While I am not a proponent of sharing or airing personal items, they will remain unidentified.

Be the first one to show some compassion - with a simple smile, a greeting, or simple wink of the eye. Make someone, even in passing, feel better than they did before they saw you.

My request of you today is simple. Forgive and move beyond your anger because you do not know the adversity someone is facing.  Be the blessing.

Item #4815: I was able to help lift someone up with constructive words that helped them walk a little lighter. Tomorrow, I hope someone will do the same for me.

I love your guts!

Anger is a choice

Oh. My. Goodness. I realize now that when something or someone makes me angry or frustrated, it is because I am being tested. Well, not sure I am going to pass the test every time.

I am taking a 21 day meditation challenge. (Yes, for some reason I am mesmerized by challenges. I think it is my will and drive to win.) Every day I take at least 5 minutes to be quiet and still (not sleeping) and meditate. Then I spend 5 minutes every morning making a journal entry providing content for the following items:

• List 3 things I am grateful for in my life
• Journal about 1 positive experience from the last 24 hours
• Write about an act of kindness I did in the last 24 hours

I may not have an entry for each one of these items, but it is the repetition of taking time to pause and reflect on these events in my life. Studies (I am not sure how well documented and official they are) show that reflecting on positive events and gratitudes in your life release a chemical in your body that make you feel less stressed. I do not remember the term, but I am sure it is some kind of endorphin. At the end of the 21 days, I will pick out some of my entries and share them with you. 

Today's entry was nice and I want to share with you. My one positive experience that happened within the last 24 hours happened this morning. Madison is the ray of sunshine in my life and made me smile from ear to ear. Usually it is difficult getting her up in the morning to get dressed, but today was very easy. When I saw she was dressed, I reminded her that she needed socks and shoes on before we left. I saw her go to her room and a few minutes later, she came out of her room with socks, shoes and a crown. I asked her why she chose to wear the crown and without missing a beat, she replied, "It completes my look for today." I smiled and laughed at bit and agreed with her. Her crown DID complete the outfit. I took this experience and hold onto the smile and the way it made me feel and still grin. I am proud to know she is confident in her choices and support her to continue to walk with confidence.

Item #1585: Soak in the moment of laughter, smiles or simplicity today. Let go of anger and be positive. 

I love your guts!

Heart disease

I will not be a statistic. 

Today, an article revealed that heart disease is another issue for breast cancer patients to be concerned about because of the radiation therapy. Well, I did sign the waiver when the oncologist explained to me that this could be a long term concern for me. No, I do not want it to be all consuming for me every day. However, it is enough of a concern for me to think twice about sitting around on the couch or getting up and moving to get my heart pumping. I choose the second option for 2 reasons...ok 4+ reasons. 

Reason 1: I want my heart to work as long as it can, so I need to move to keep it working at maximum capacity. 

Reason 2: I want to live for another 30+ years. I still have a lot to do here.

Reason 3 - 6: My family - Jeff, Lorenzo, Brett and Miss Madison. They should have me around a long time.  We still have 2 more kids to get through school years. Teach them how to drive, cook, clean and take care of themselves. Lots more soccer, baseball and martial arts activities to attend. Plus, Madison has a laundry list of 'firsts' to experience and I want to be here.

Reasons 7 to infinity: I am still young. At 40, I still have a lot of living to do and need all the strength to get me up in the morning to face the day. I have family, friends in my life and many more to meet that haven't arrived yet.

I will not be a statistic. I feel good today because I choose to feel good. 

I love your guts!

Friday rain

Today it is raining. Right now the rain is soft and light. I see people running for cover as if they were going to be stained or harmed. In contrast, I stand in the rain and feel it on my skin. The feeling is a reminder for me that I am alive and reminded of power and control greater than me. We cover up to shield ourselves from nature because that is what we have been taught. Yes, I told my kids to put on jackets before they left for the day. 

At the end of today, when it is time to start the weekend, I hope the rain is coming down in big drops. I will park the car far away from the front door, take jackets away and let them run through and dance in the rain. Hearing them giggle, laugh and yell out about how wet they are getting, this one memory will be etched in their history forever. We often forget that life is more about the times when we are given permission to go against how we "should" behave. Connections are made true and deep through our experiences and how they make us feel.

#1585 - Do the unexpected to surprise and delight someone else. Make a meaningful memory today.

I love your guts!

Consistency - only when it is on my schedule

Most people want consistency in their lives. The clock goes off at the same time during the week and we know it is coming because we have been conditioned. However, when we are in a hurry to get somewhere, the power goes off and the clock freaks out and your settings are all off.

So maybe that was a wasted paragraph, but I blurted it out to say this...I am consistent when it I want to be. Consistency is based on choice. We choose to go to the work out class and not eat greasy foods afterwards to negate the time you spent to tone your body. We choose to make the gas in our tank go a few extra miles before coasting into the nearest gas station. (Yes, I took my tank down to less than a gallon of gas.) We choose to actually use all those vegetables in the fridge for juicing and not slicing up for salad or to be used on a sandwich.

I love juicing because I feel powerful when I drink it, though it looks like green sludge with an orange glow from the carrots. I am not a fan of doing it every day because it is a lot of work. Back to consistency - I do not even follow my own advice. I tell my kids that they need to do their work, clean their room, make their bed, etc. I do *most* of these things but I could be better with making consistent choices to benefit my health. 

So, the next time you see me, ask me when I last juiced. Or ask me how much I love giving up counter space as a reminder that I need to juice. Or volunteer to come over and make me juice and then freeze in containers so I can just zap them in the blender to be a fruit/veg smoothie.

Or...I could just stop making excuses. Be consistent. 

And juice every day.

I have one life. And every minute I have is on loan to me from God. I am thankful for fighting like a girl this past year and need to put my gloves back on and JUST DO IT!

You said tomorrow yesterday  - NIKE  (Oh so true!)

Looking back - it was a year ago today that I had my surgery to remove the lump and go through radiation only. I guess in my mind I thought if it was gone from my body, that the job was done. Lo and behold, the job had just begun. Oh reality, you slapped me in the face like a wet noodle. A lasagna noodle!

Item #15686: Drink more water. Soda is a filler and not natural. We are made mostly of water and soda will never quench your thirst.

I love your guts!

Where is the end of the tunnel?

I am about 4 months out from surgery removing my orange sized ovary and its friends - non-cancerous cysts. I made a decision made on faith and my conservative nature, I only opted for single ovary removal, thinking the rest of my organs would behave. Well...they are not complying with my demands and appear to be out of my control. 

Non-graphic info coming next. So you can close the page or keep reading...at your discretion. 

My uterine lining is not thin, but not too thick to be concerned. And my right ovary has a few visible cysts on them that "should work their way out" within the next couple of months. SHIT! Didn't I just hear this back in September???? Give me a break! I just need one ounce of good news. My doctor (GYNO) was positive and said that I need to come back in 2 months to check the status before he can "officially" give me the all clear. (Insert more cuss words out of frustration here.)

Apparently the news I got in October with the tissue results coming back as non-cancerous does not mean I'm out of the woods. He doesn't seem to think that there is cancer present but would like to monitor me and recheck in 8 weeks. At this point he can make the final declaration. Newsflash - I heard the declaration back in October and I'm feeling pretty good.

No, I do not want cheese to go with my wine. I need to whine about this because I am a control freak. I want things how I want them and that is that. When I let go and let God, perhaps I did not let go all the way. I was probably still hanging on to the wheel of life. When you see me next time, please give me a gentle shake and remind me who is in charge. I'll love you a little more for the reminder.

Deep breathing and lots of water drinking. In with the good and out with the bad.

I love your guts!

I am back!

Many of you may have noticed that I had not posted anything since the end of September. Well, let me bring you up to speed. Buckle up!

• October - removed left ovary that was the size of an orange with multiple cysts (no cancer detected)
• November - we sold our home and moved into a new home just before Thanksgiving
• December - we hosted our family for Christmas Eve celebration
• January - my 1 yr mammogram appointment went well (ALL CLEAR!)
• February - I am now in deep with lots of projects at work. I am taking the 40 day yoga challenge (30 classes in 40 days) to get my health back in check. 

Today is Valentine's day and this is a perfect time for me to spread the love back at those that care for me.

Thank you Jeff for encouraging me and keeping me focused on what is most important. And for reminding me how little and insignificant irritants in my day are because I kicked cancer in the ass.

Thank you to my parents for keeping the kids an extra hour or so in the afternoon so I can get my classes in after work. And for the unwavering support you have shown me.

Thank you to my extended family that are here for me at a moments notice to listen and give me words of encouragement.

Thank you to my friends that I see in person and in the digital space. I feel the love and appreciate you!

Thank you to my kids. When mommy isn't always feeling great, a smile,  hug or your silly words make my day great!

And to my guiding angels that are my reminder how fragile each day is and realize their sacrifices and love they gave me  helped shape who I am. I am strong. I am worthy. I am stubborn. I am free.

My words for you...shake off yesterday. Stand tall today and give your best in everything you do and everyone you meet. 

Remember, I LOVE YOUR GUTS!