Staying positive and finding your happy

I  watched this video on YouTube and it was inspiring. Take a few minutes (ok, about 17) and watch for yourself. At the end, tell me if you focus more on the cone or the crap :)  http://youtu.be/hkLM-IlwwPk  Today I will try harder to focus on the cone.  There is not much more for me to say today. I have had a long week and it is only Monday. I love your guts!

Madison is turning 5 on Friday

This little bundle of joy has been the light of our lives. This girl was a complete surprise from the heavens. HE knew we needed her here with us and boy oh boy has she made quite the impression. I remember when I saw her pudgy little face, just minutes old, that she would be as independent and stubborn as me. She had to stay in the hospital a little longer than the boys and put up with listening to her mom yell at the football players from Saturday to Monday night. Luckily most of my teams won...I think. Who cared - she was here and I had to learn how to take care of a little girl. Heck, I should know a lot, I was a little girl once.

On 9-11, she started her first day at pre-K at Palm Valley Lutheran Day School. She is in a class of 10 kids and it is obvious that she is the oldest and the leader (in a good way - she gives a lot of direction). The morning of her first day at her new school, I was watching some of the documentaries remembering that terrible day in our recent history. She asked me why someone would want to blow up a building. I told her that I did not know. She promptly reminded me, "In our house we don't say 'I don't know' because that is not an answer." Wow. I proceeded to tell her that there were a few people that wanted to hurt a lot of people and this is what they did to make it happen. She asked me why she did not remember this event and I told her because she was not born yet. I told her that Lorenzo was the same age as Brett when this happened. (then I was struck about what happened next) She burst out into laughter and very seriously told me, "Uh, Lorenzo was never that small. He has ALWAYS been very tall and at least a teenager. Brett is not tall. Brett is NOT a teenager." She glared at me in a very serious way waiting for me to respond. All I could muster was a smile and laughter. I hugged her and told her it was time to go to school. After that she stopped by the front door for her picture to be taken. As you can see, she cannot be still very often and is constantly moving, talking, singing and jumping. 

This Friday, she turns 5 years old and I am taking her to get her ears pierced. She has asked for the last few years and I am finally saying yes. She will get her wish granted. Miss Madison, we love you!

I love your guts!

Fantasy football is the great distraction

I am sure I could spend my "spare"time doing other things, like sorting out the little clothes and toys no longer relevant to Madison and Brett, or clean out the garage. Ha, right. I like my line ups and get flack from the guys in both leagues for choosing defense or running backs early in the rounds. I would like to say, that I am VERY happy with my picks, even the weak ones, like Janikowski, Gerhart and Rodgers. Sure, the last one I picked only because I liked his unusual name, Jacquizz. I don't know if I will play him but I might throw him in the mix if I'm ahead on the points board. Right now I'm 3rd in points in both leagues and would like to say I will stay there all season, but the games have just begun. 

What am I distracted from? Well, the fact that I have one more procedure to do in the next month and being on a diet is not going so well. 

I feel OK. I do not consider myself to be sick. I just need to get back to a more consistent routine. Right now I am a little out of whack, but trying like heck to stay on track. Perhaps the distraction is not helping me focus. Could I work out a way to keep my fantasy football leagues and still focus on the task at hand? Sure, I can. 

And to those wondering, yes, Peyton made it to one of my rosters and did a great job. This season is going to be awesome!

I love your guts!

Am I just one donut away from sane?

For some reason I am obsessing over donuts and not listening to my doctor's advice. Lately all I can think about is having a donut. I know I shouldn't eat processed foods and if I do, I should minimize the intake. One glorious donut won't hurt, right? Well, it will just lead down the sugar trail to eat more. 

DING! I know why I want donuts. Brett is going through a spell of broken skin due to eating items off his special diet. We promised him that if he does well and his skin heals up that we would treat him to ONE donut as a reward. Bless his heart. He has been trying so hard to do well and not scratch the irritated skin or eat the wrong items. I have been trying to eat more like him - no carbs (ok, maybe a few corn chips) and lots of fruit and veggies. My problem is consistency. I have a lot of changes going on at work now that has screwed up any chance for a consistent work out. However, this is going to change. I will be blocking off time on my calendar to get my personal time squeezed in - even if I have to wear the same headband all the time because I don't have time to do my hair. Ha!

Ok, I think I have talked myself out of a donut...for now. Next time you see me, ask me if I have had a donut. Let's hope I say it's been quite a while. On a positive note, I won the Week 1 match ups in both the fantasy football leagues I'm playing in this season.

I love your guts!

Rain

Is it raining or am I just crying too much? It feels like it's raining and I haven't begun to save for a rainy day. Right now I am all over the board. We had a fantastic weekend at the beach over Labor Day weekend. I came back rested and relaxed. Wednesday morning I went to my 6 week follow up appointment with my gynecologist. I spent 40 minutes in the waiting room, 30 more in the exam room and 20 minutes visiting with the doctor. He found that the cysts on  my left ovary were the combined size of an orange. The right was so far away that he could not see much but indicated that if the cysts were large, we would be able to see them. OK, so a black and white sonogram is not enough information to determine if they have cancerous cells, but if they did have prominent cancer cells, the cysts would have white spots on them and we did not see any of those. Bottom line option - remove the entire system and jump start me into early menopause. Ug! It's like I was walking and slammed up against the sliding glass door. OK, so maybe not as painful, but close. I had almost an out of body experience when I left the office. I knew what he told me and I understood what needs to happen, but not ready to say 'let's do this.' My doctor said I can come back in 4 weeks to get him to take a look again to see if they are going to reduce in size but if they are not smaller, then we will schedule surgery. I know it is inevitable that this surgery was going to happen, but I did not expect it so soon.

On a positive note, Madison's soccer season starts this weekend. She is playing with the same group from last season. If you are in the Round Rock area and have an hour to spend out at the soccer fields, come see her play. Here is a link to her schedule. You can find directions to the fields at Voigt elementary school. She is a little more focused this season and has learned that picking the flowers or grass on the field is not allowed. However, when the game is over, she is welcome to pick the flowers and take them home. I told her this on the way home today from practice and she was proud of herself for not picking the flowers during practice. Perhaps lunch at Niki's pizza is in store as a treat for her after the game this weekend. And a trip to Goodwill to pick out a fancy vase for her flowers. 

I love your guts!

I have a new number

Last week, I got rechecked to see if the elevated glucose level at my doctor visit earlier this month was accurate or a quirky reading because I had cereal for breakfast. Well, my fasting level indicates that I am in the pre-diabetic zone. Recommendations from the doctor were to continue to exercise or do a little more and watch what I eat. Good grief. OK, so right now there is little to no red meat in my diet. I eat as much organic food as possible. My green leafy intake has increased and it still is not enough. Now, I am on a mission. In 6 months, she will recheck me again to see if I am still in the zone. I will work hard to put this off as long as possible, so I have some goals to set and will be careful with the rewards, like a Round Rock donut or a piece of pie. I know I can do this and will make every effort to come back in with a number less than 100.

One more thing to think about...since I have a predisposition to get diabetes, I will eat more like a diabetic. My doctor and I talked about this and she said the best way not to become one is to eat like one. I may not like the advice, but I think it will give me more years of good quality of life, so guess what? I will follow her directions. I will eat to defeat this disease. One whammie at a time. I kicked cancer's ass, I think diabetes will go the way of the Do-Do after staring me in the face.

I love your guts!

Finding my Zen

I had a moment of clarity yesterday on my drive to Dallas to spend a couple of days visiting with old friends and taking a moment to reflect. My clarity is that I am where I am supposed to be and that each day I have is more important than the one before. Tomorrow is a gamble and today is a gift. Nobody cares that I left dirty dishes in the sink or a stack of dirty linens in the laundry room, etc. What matters is that I made a positive impact to those I encounter along the way. Saying hello or good morning to the janitor is just as important as saying it to your co-worker or boss. Maybe that is why I am here - not to just fight the good fight and kick cancer in the ass but to be the best me I can be every day. 

If you have not been clued in so far, I like to control things. If I could control traffic and the weather, life would be grand. Maybe nature is called Mother Nature because most women like to be in control. Ha, I am sure this statement is true. [The previous statement was made under the influence of a banana, a cup of tea and a bottle of water.]

I do not look like a super model on the outside but with a sassy haircut and color, the right dress and shoes, I can feel like one. I have a lot of work to do to allow myself feel sad or crappy. Sometimes I just let it fester or get it out through a work out, swim or doing a word search puzzle. Yes, I know it could be worse but I work on self-improvement, one item at a time. Here comes my analogy...it's like shoes. We have many pairs of shoes for different occasions but can only wear one pair at a time. We are not an octopus and have the ability to wear 4 pair of shoes at once. (Analogy refers to being able to take care of one item at a time.)

I love your guts!

Shut the front door!

Crappy news all around on Thursday from my sisters in my cancer group. This morning, Kristi lost her battle with this damn disease and leaves behind a husband and 2 small children. Just now, Valerie said her follow up visit did not go well and the news she got was they think the cancer has spread to another area in her body or possibly about to invade her lymph system. I cried for each of these very strong women. And continue to cry for them and their families. Dear Lord, help them be strong during this trying time.

I am without words and not full of wisdom. Looking forward to dinner with the kids and taking them to martial arts fun event.

I love your guts!

Elevated blood sugar, really?

Good grief. What did I eat that made my glucose level shoot to 160 at 10:30 am on Monday? Oh yeah, I had rice squares and milk for breakfast, instead of a protein and carb. Milk = very bad. We do not drink milk in our home but on a rare occasion, we have 1/2 gallon. If we are lucky, we get through it by the expiration date. I had been on a cereal fast for the better part of the year, but I missed my plain rice cereal, Cheerios and flakes (non-sugar coated). 

I am doing my best to keep disease at bay and diabetes is one I do not want to contend with now. However, I will do it and be maniacal about it too. I exercise very regularly. We eat as organic as possible. And my vice is tea (unsweetened and cold). Plus, I drink a good volume of water. Ask those who see me regularly - tea and water. No carbonation for me, thank you.

<sigh>

Lord, I hear you. I am thankful for my oncologist sharing my lab work with my primary care physician and for their diligence to contact me. I will go see her to get my glucose checked next week and pray that it comes back normal. I will do what I can to pass this test. The excessive blood glucose image makes me think of having a dusty home. I guess my insides are a bit dusty. Time to get the Swiffer out and clean. Let's do this!

I love your guts!

I love fresh peppers

This morning I made one of my go-to breakfast plates - a couple of eggs and heated up a tortilla and tossed a fresh green pepper on my plate. I make sure to eat a few fresh peppers a week because the grower I buy from has great, organic veggies. While I was eating, I noticed the heat was more intense after a couple of bites. I realized that the seeds were packed in the pepper closer to the bottom, so I opened it up and pulled out most of the seeds. I did not pay too much attention that I had some of the residual oils on my fingertips and removed a piece of tortilla from my mouth and my lips felt like they were on FIRE. Oh boy...this was intense. After running back and forth to the freezer and getting a cool cloth to sooth the fire, I was fine. I proceeded to finish my breakfast. Despite the fire, I was fueled for the day. 

Before returning to work (home office), I put in a load of laundry...because I am so efficient. Ha! Just as I was finished pushing buttons (programming) my washer, a piece of lint flew across my face and landed near my eye. Like any normal reaction, I removed the lint and my fingertips brushed against the corner of my eye. Again, I had the pepper oils on my fingers. DOH! I felt like someone pepper sprayed me in one eye. Goodness. Could I be more of a clutz? Well, yes is the answer. Going around the corner from the laundry room to the bathroom, I hit the wall with my shoulder and could not turn on the light. Good news is that I was able to make cold water come out of the sink so I could first wash my hands and then rinse my eyeball that was on FIRE. If these events are any indication of how my day will go, perhaps I should stay put and wrap myself in pillows or just go back to bed.

Please Lord, make the rest of my day better.

I love your guts!

When will cancer and oil change can share space on my to-do list

I get worn out thinking about cancer and cannot wait until this topic drops down on my list of things like when do I need to get my car inspected or how many more miles can I go until I need to get my oil changed. I asked my doctor how long it will take when this will happen. She said it was like anything else in life, it cannot be predicted. Great! All this breakthrough science over the last 50 to 100 years and still nothing? Ha! I guess I am expecting science to be exact, like math. Well, just because math is one of the foundation principles, biology still is a mystery. Perhaps if we get Scooby Doo and the gang on this cancer crap, they can solve the mystery. Tell me this is the answer and I will pay for all the Scooby snacks and sub sandwiches.

Ok, shake it off. Back to reality. When I broke my pinky toe a couple of years ago, I thought for sure it was going to be the last time I would be in a hospital for a long time. This brings me to an oxymoron - controlling nature. This is something that cannot be done, like having a jumbo shrimp. Shrimp was just the wrong word for this crustacean. They should have kept with the nomenclature, prawn. Shrimp just indicates small and jumbo the opposite. Why do we do this? Jumbo shrimp. Is grilled really the opposite of blackened? Isn't blackened the same and burned (beyond recognition)? The Grammarian in me is out. Tangent will be the word of the day. Thank you for following my randomness, or perhaps you got lost and went the other way. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed the ride. Come back soon, I am sure the next one will be a doozie. Who even uses this word any more? I guess this girl does. 

I love your guts!

Rambling

Over a year ago, normal for me is not as different as it is today. Chasing my kids and watching them learn new things while keeping life together. Today, I know that the next 363 more days have to be more fantastic than the last 6 months.

There are times when we have the courage of a lion and the will of a sloth. The lion in us makes us believe we can do anything our mouth says. When it comes down to action, we move like the sloth - slow, methodical and only giving minimum effort because we realize there has been a disconnect between our mouth and our brain. I am sure this has happened to none of you. I know this has happened to me many times over and sure it will happen again. However, I am on a path to remedy this in my life. When I say it, I will follow up with the action. Yes, I will need you to nudge me, slap me on the back or even put a bull horn to my ears and shout at me. I may lean on you without asking for help. 

I had an appointment with my oncologist Monday morning and the discussion was very candid. I reminded her of the one refill I had left on the lovely Tamoxifen. She asked how the Pristiq was working for me, since last month. Most days I do feel good, but there are some days where daily activities are a struggle. She explained that it takes several months - as many as 6 to "find your normal". I am working at being active every day and apparently need to do better. This was not what I was expecting to hear. I also need to take up a hobby or take an interest in something that keeps me active. Finding this will take some time. I have about 90 days, because I go back and see her in November, so I should have an answer for her. By the way, my lab work turned out normal. Great - good news, even in small doses is good.

I do not know how to act my age. I am not sure any of us do this well. Be aware that challenges set before us can be conquered, regardless of your linear age. Run with scissors. Jump down the stairs one at a time. Walk slowly and look at nature around you. Go outside and get at least 20 minutes of sunshine - regardless of how hot is is out there. Feel the grass between your toes.

I love your guts!

Pay attention

Life is good

I want so much for my kids to have greater opportunities and appreciation for life than I did when I was growing up. This is not a new concept. All the generations before me wanted the same thing. I saw my grandparents do what they could to provide better for their kids (my parents' generation) and my parents did the same for me and my brother. I took a moment to reflect on that this morning as I dropped my younger kids off with my parents today. What a treat it is for my kids to really know their grandparents and for them to know their grandchildren. My parents help "parent" my kids when we are away at work. We do our best to make life easy and open all the doors of opportunity for them. We are lucky. There are so many that want to do the same but it is not always possible. 

Today, I look a life from a different lens. I have a great family and strong network of super friends (ha, yes, like the Justice League). I worked hard to get my education, have a career and raise a family. We all take a different path to the same destination. 

This morning, my kids remind me that being right or correct all the time does not matter, as long as we all arrive at the answer together. By the way, what does the line in Jingle Bells "laughing all the way" mean? All the way where? To the next house to drop off gifts? Do you stop laughing at any point? Doesn't Santa get thirsty? Where does he stop to potty? See, life is good.

I love your guts!

Purpose

My work day has been focused on a lot of little tasks that have collected for a week. Several minutes ago, I stopped to chat with my former executive director for a few minutes about my project. About 10 minutes passed and she came by my desk with a couple of card with inspirational sayings on one side and a bible verse on the other. They were fitting and I wanted to share them with you.

"This is truly who you are. A woman chosen. A woman set apart. A woman appointed. God has made you you and has placed you here. On purpose." This one resonates with me because I find myself asking 'why' almost all the time. I should stop and read this card to remind myself of the answer.

"Your God can be trusted to grant you the supply you need to excel at His purpose. So if you don't have it --- whatever it is---it's because you don't need it. You may want is, but it's not necessary in order to accomplish what He knows is most important for your life today." Wow. This one hits me right in the gut. He does supply what I need and gives me what I can handle and so often I am reaching for more. Perhaps it has been in my basket all along.

Others are brought into our lives to help us on our journey. Each and every one of you have helped me through mine. Especially during this rocky road (nope, not the ice cream). Thank you. Maybe I could pay you back in sand dollars - HA! If you read the previous post, this one-liner would be funny. I am laughing out loud.

I love your guts!

Fear

The F-word

This 4-letter f-word is something that I try to squash because when you give into it, you give it power over you. I cannot live in fear of what might happen or happen again. I would not be human if I was without an ounce of this in me. My controlling personality clashes with this emotion and I have to be aware enough to recognize when it is creeping into my daily life. You have my permission to do what it takes to snap me out of it if I am using the f-word, either in conversation or through my actions.

Anticipation

I have not been to see my hair stylist since before Christmas. I think instinctively my hair has been growing at a snails pace on purpose - probably because of the f-word. This Saturday afternoon, I will spend about 3 hours getting my hair highlighted and trimmed. I am OVERDUE...kind of like returning books to the library. I am not going to get it cut short, just a little off the ends. I appreciate the positive words of encouragement and understanding from her. Going in will be an awesome treat.

I will end on a funny note. Last week when we were at the beach with the kids, Madison and I were picking up sea shells. We inspected all the shells we picked up and were happy to find fractions of a shell. My hands got full pretty fast. Soon, I was lucky enough to find a sea shell in tact. I showed Madison and told her that I found a sand dollar. She was so excited and said, "Wow, a real sand dollar? When can we spend it? Are there sand quarters?" The lady passing by laughed and I couldn't help it either. I laughed and told her no, that it is not money, it is a sea shell. The explanation was in vain because she did not understand the concept. She came to me a while later with the tiny clam shells and said, "Here. I found some sand pennies. Put these with the sand dollar." Again, I burst into laughter. What a great day shell shopping on the beach. Best day ever! 

I think we will steal a weekend soon to make a trip back. I still have the parking sticker and do not care where we lay our head. Maybe Madison will bring a big bucket so we can get some more sand "money". Ha!

I love your guts!

Monday or moody-day?

Adjustments

We all contribute in a positive way to the world. Some of us just don't see it as clear as others. Take a moment to adjust the way we look at today. Monday. This word makes most people cringe. Think about those that are looking forward to this day of the week. It means so many positive things to many. Here is my list: the first day of school, the first day at a job, the first day of retirement, a birthday, the landing of space vehicle on another planet, the day you get your braces off, the last day of your old job, the last work day before you go on a vacation - even if you are staying home, and another day you get to try to be a better you.

I am slow to change my habits and admit that I would like to stay in my comfort zone. Over time, I learned that staying in my "zone" prevents me from reaching my potential. I realize how much I would never have accomplished or experienced if I was constantly in my "zone". 

Challenge

Today, I challenge you to find one thing you could do different and make a small change. Here is an example to get you started: Instead of drinking a carbonated beverage, have a glass of water or some tea. Try it once a day for a week and see if you feel any different. This is a healthy change that could make a huge difference. OK...here is another non-food related. Make a mantra. Mine recently has been, "let it go". I cannot take anything with me but the data between my ears and the recordings my eyes have captured. You don't have to tell anyone and it can change over time. 

Nope, I am not Oprah or Deepak, Ghandi or the Pope. My words are not new (they are American-English --- HA!). I just have some perspective based on my less than 40 years of experience. Have a great week and I promise to be more diligent about posting. 

I love your guts!

It isn't always about me

Distracted. This morning I was so distracted by my packed schedule at work that I forgot to line up everything I needed for the day and missed taking my badge from my work out bag to put it in my purse. Luckily, I was able to arrive early enough at work to get a temporary sticker badge. This may sound routine for most people but for me it is a reminder that my life feels more normal today, before I knew I had cancer. 

The drugs are doing their job, I think. It is the side effects that remind you that your understanding of normal before diagnosis will never come back. My new normal has heightened my awareness of everything. I'm almost like Spiderman but not lucky enough to have been bitten by a spider but slammed against the wall with cancer. Today I reflect on the children told they have cancer and the parents that have to endure the process with them. I pray for their tiny hands and big hearts to be a fighter to make it through to be a survivor. This is not a commercial for my company, but they are doing a great deal to support the fight against childhood cancer by providing cutting edge technology to doctors and scientists to treat children and find a cure. We work every day in service of our customer and their outcomes to do and achieve more and by supporting this effort, our company has put their resources where it can make a big difference...because cancer sucks, but it is worse when cancer is in our kids.


When you see your loved ones or friends today, take a moment to let them know you love and appreciate them. A little kindness goes a long way. 


I love your guts!


P.S. Suck it, cancer!

Thank you

Thank you to my friends that gave Lorenzo a positive reference. He applied for countless jobs over the last couple of months and this one sounds like it will be a good one. He applied at the YMCA to work in the after-school program. He is also enrolled in school full-time and has all his classes in the morning.

What else is there to smile about today? My project got an extension so we can deliver a first class event in January. This doesn't mean I can relax, it just means I have a longer runway to get pieces to the event locked.


Other smile worthy items - the sun is shining today, my friend got a new job, we are in the second half of the baseball season and I'm wearing sandals today.


Make today special...hug someone you love.


I love your guts! 

Finding my zen

The Clay Madsen center has closed off the pool and locker rooms because of some maintenance issue, so I figured I would take yoga classes on Mondays and Wednesdays until it is fixed. Monday, I went to the Hatha class and was glad I could make the 5pm class. When I arrived at the yoga room, I realized that I forgot my mat and had to use an extra mat from their mat basket. Good thing there is alcohol to wipe it down, otherwise, I would have passed on the session. Yes, I'm a bit phobic about sharing stuff like that - you know me :)

As class began, I felt calm and was in the moment. This place is great because as we moved from pose to pose, I was able to focus on my breathing and let tension go. Our days get so busy going from one activity and commitment to another that we often forget that we need to stop and enjoy watching leaves sway in the wind. Really listen to the sounds around us and just be in the moment. 


When I feel out of my relaxed spot, I remind myself to breathe in, breathe out and move on. I cannot stay in the moment of negativity because my energy is needed elsewhere. Remember, we are all on a journey and there is no right way to get to the destination. 


I love your guts!

Chatting about reality

This morning I met an old friend to connect. She and I go way back at work and share the latest news - professionally and personally. I was reminded of how important it is for me to be more transparent about what is going on with me because I got a poke about not updating this blog as often as I should. Yes, it has been a week since my last post, so here is the 4-1-1.

Truth

I am feeling good. Fact. Not all the time. Fact. I have more good than bad days. Fact. OK, enough with the fact, but I was thinking about Dwight from The Office and it made me laugh, so I had to incorporate it into my message to set some context.

A couple of weeks ago, large cysts were discovered on my ovaries. I am not in any pain and pray that my follow up appointment shows they have disappeared or that action needs to take place to resolve the issue. Most importantly, identify what can be done to make sure they do not come back again. In the mean time, I see my oncologist in a few weeks and will have an in-depth conversation with her to get assurance that this isn't something I should be concerned about. In other words - that this is not cancer.

When I was sick with the flu, I called my oncologist to make her aware and find out if I should be "concerned." Yes, every time I get sick, feel achy or just not OK, I may over-react. I would rather know nothing is going on rather than something. Again, I have too many things to get done to have cancer stand in my way. Move it, cancer! Busy lady with a full life coming through. 

Exercise

I am mixing up my exercise routine. I am attending water aerobic classes at the Clay Madsen center. Yes, most of the attendees are over 60, but there are a few of us that are not quite there in the class. I like it because it's different and not so hard on my joints and I don't sweat. As long as I'm moving to make up for all the sitting behind the keyboard, I will be happy. Funny how a rush of endorphin makes you feel great. Try it, you might like it.

I am blessed. I am strong. I am healthy. I am busy. No time to stop, there is too much that I still want to do. Plus, Brazil is 7 months away and I'm scouting out hotels. Rio better get ready because here I come!

I love your guts!

Embrace the rain

We got some rain this weekend and I was pleasantly surprised. Jeff and I went to IKEA to look at couches and futons for the game room. When we were leaving it was pouring down rain. So many people were waiting for the rain to stop so they could go to their car. Jeff asked me if I wanted to wait. My response was, "...no way. I endured radiation, what is a little water?" We parked in the new parking garage and walked from one structure to another without incident...except a little water. As we drove out of the garage, I saw people still sitting and waiting for the rain to stop. What for? Just get wet - it's temporary and soon you will be dry.


I am doing well and getting back into the groove at work. Lots to keep me busy. Feeling better every day. We are  looking forward to a quick trip to the beach with the kids at the end of the month. Nothing like putting your feet in the sand and listening to the kids play in the water.


Today I live with gratitude. I listened to the fast footsteps of the high-energy squirrel on my rooftop before I got out of bed. I am convinced that he's warming up to run a 5K. I enjoyed feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin walking from my car to the office. When we take care of ourselves, we have the opportunity to do for others.


I love your guts!

Bear - cat

 The photo of the bear represents me on Tamoxifen for the last 6 weeks. I would be unBEARable with others. I did not feel quite right even though I know the medicine is supposed to help me. When I went for my 6 week check up to find out how I am doing, I was blunt with my oncologist and told Dr. H how I felt and that it was not conducive for a happy home life. She suggested another medication to take in addition to Tamoxifen, because she strongly suggested that Tamoxifen was my only course of action preventing future recurrence of cancer. Of course I could not argue but divert the conversation to shoes. Yes, we talked about shoes. She loves shoes and I like shoes to look cute and be functional for the task I am asking of my feet. She said that the additional prescription (Pristiq) should help me balance my mood and that I must go purchase some shoes. "Awesome!" A prescription to purchase shoes. I'm all over it. I have to go back and see her in 6 weeks (just after my birthday) so she can check to see how I am doing with the cocktail of medication. Plus, show off some of the new shoes I purchased. She anticipates that I would feel better which I translate to more kitten-like attitude. (This is the reason for the kitty photo.)


I am taking things one day at a time and remind myself take care of today. 1,784 days until I'm finished with the medication. 19 days until Brett turns 7. 26 days until we go to the beach. 80 days until Madison turns 5. 


Please do not search the Internet for the side effects of the medicines, you will worry for nothing. If you want to read something I found interesting, here is an article I would have like to read 6 months ago http://huff.to/MvIcYJ 


I love your guts!

Accepting things I cannot change

I cannot change the course of my live over the last 6 months, but I can say that I took a step out on a ledge and shared my story with my Facebook friends. 


Here is the entry I shared:

Disease is defined as an abnormal condition affecting the body of an organism. On January 23, 2012, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Every story is different. Uncertainty and fear surfaced when I heard my diagnosis. Sharing my news and deciding who, how and when to share was hard for me to process.

I struggled with the awkwardness of telling others, especially my family. What about friends, co-workers and even people on social media? It felt like I might need a PR representative or intern to help me manage these circles.

This was a personal event and I only shared with my family and a very small circle of friends. Some were told in person, others got a phone call, email or even a text. I had no idea what I needed, so I asked for prayers. I relied on my faith to meet the challenge. My personal prayers were focused on asking for strength for my family. Countless others prayed for me. Through my faith, strength and drive to survive, today I am a survivor.

Please know I am luckier than most and that my disease does not define me but will always be a part of me.

I would like to THANK everyone that supported us, provided meals, rides to the doctors, housekeeping, shuttling my kids, bringing groceries, keeping my kids’ schedule when I could not, chatting when I needed an ear, thoughtful emails, notes and prayers.

I love your guts!

I am not feeling like myself

I am the worst at taking medicine because I never like the way it makes me feel, even if it is supposed to 'heal' me. I know that I am directed by my doctor to take these pills so I can be healthy, but what is the cost? 


Sometimes I feel on edge like I just drained out the local coffee shop. Other times, I am just going through the motions of life feeling disconnected. On the bright side, I am not experiencing any hot flashes, just bouts of chills and freezing fingers and toes. This feeling I have because of the 81mg aspirin I take with Tamoxifen. 


Now I feel like this is complaining. What a first world problem to have --- medicine that is helping keep cancer at bay. Help me come back to realize that life is good. What can be done to make it better? I guess I cannot camp out alone for the next 5 years, there is too much to do, see and experience.


Today I live with gratitude and will relax, release (the feeling, thought or just exhale) and run on to the next adventure.


Thank you to those that reached out the last couple of weeks to listening and letting me be in the moment.


I love your guts!

My hands are not big enough

I remember being 5 and so anxious to be a "big girl" and ride my bike without training wheels. What a feeling of freedom riding my bike. Several years later, I was excited to play girls' basketball in middle school. While learning the game and playing, I noticed my hands were a bit too small to hold the basketball. After many practices and years of going back to play, I forgot that I thought my hands were not big enough. During high school, I learned about joy and heart ache. The joy of playing multiple sports, learning to type instead of how to cook and sew. Not to mention losing close friends. Again, my hands were not big enough to remove away hurt or disappointment. Several years later, my hands learned to care for a small baby and take on the world. Ok, so not the entire world, but my new world.


The point of this is to remember that our hands are not big enough to make everything better or tackle the large projects alone, but they handle what He gives us. I do not look sick and do not always feel sick. I feel good and stop when I ache or feel tired. I take on every day holding my head high and know that I am strong enough to make today a good day. I will look back on this time in my life and know that my hands were not big enough to tackle this alone. Many stood beside me and held onto my hands when they were not big enough. Thank you all!


I love your guts!

One thousand, eight hundred and twenty-six

This number is significant because this is the number of days I will take the drug Tamoxifen. Earlier in my blog I shared with you that this is the cornerstone of my treatment plan. Oh, please do not Google the side effects. You can tune in here to read all about them from my experience. I also take an 81mg aspirin to mitigate the development of clots. Yes, that is a bit scary but moving and lots of liquids is key.


Day one was on Tuesday, May 22. I was dizzy. My balance was not good in the evening. I slept great.


Today is day two. I took time to really notice how I was feeling throughout the day. The morning was fine until a lady forgot that the red and white sign that reads "Yield" was for her. She came within inches of ruining my car and my day. No incident - we just exchanged gestures. I am very sure she knew what mine meant. Arriving at work, I took advantage of the handicap spot and briskly walked in to start my day. After hosting a 2 hour meeting, I took a 30 minute walk around the building. Yes, I was inside. I needed to get the blood going because I was about to sit in another hour long meeting. I look forward to being home because I can work in a t-shirt, shorts and no shoes.


Tomorrow is day three and the number is 1,824. I will enjoy the rest of my afternoon with family time with Jeff and the kids. Then I host another meeting this evening at 9:30pm for our team members in Asia. I plan to be asleep by 11. Not bad for bumpy start to the next phase of treatment. 

To my Aunt Vicki: I thought by now I would be at the summit, but getting there takes a long time. Hang in there and stay on the journey with me - it will be fun :)


I love your guts!

Finish line

Today I can see the finish line. I have 2 more radiation treatments and I can get my life back to normal. No, I am not focused on the follow up appointments with multiple doctors in the next few weeks/months. I am just excited to celebrate the end of this phase. 6-1/2 weeks went by pretty fast. 


I knew this last week of treatment would be stellar, but I had no idea how great it would be. I had the opportunity to grab lunch with a friend who was here for the week from Singapore. Seeing Lena was fantastic! Catching up made the hour fly by so fast. Love you girl and safe travels going back to see your boys :)


More cool stuff this week: This Friday my Breville juicer will arrive, according to UPS. How exciting! Yes, I am excited about a juicer. Saturday morning, my cousin Stephanie will be here from California and we have breakfast planned, so mimosas are a must for our menu. Sunday we are attending a family event celebrating my grandfather's 90th birthday, hosted by my dad and his brother and sisters. I expect to be napping by Sunday afternoon. 


Bottom line, I am a winner. Yes, I said it and you read it here first. I am not the kind of person to boast about accomplishments but this one will be one of them. This experience does not define me and my life going forward. I look at this event in my life as a blip and a reminder of how I need to slow down and give more appreciation for all the small things. 

Item #812: Age is linear. Life is a roller coaster. You have the power to choose to ride the coaster or sit on the park bench and watch it go around. I choose to sit in the front seat and ride.


I love your guts!


NOTE: Just because I am finished with treatments does not mean I will stop writing. So many of you have encouraged me to keep going. If you want to get updates, I recommend subscribing to follow my blog. This will send you emails to let you know that I made an entry to the blog and you do not have to constantly check the site for updates.

Fragile

This morning, I woke up to a text waiting for me from my good friend, Joyce. The message was brief but urgent. As I was waking up, I sent her a text to call me. Something tugged at my gut to look at her Facebook page. Before I could navigate to her page, I saw her post about missing Cameron, her 21 yr old son. My heart sank and I was speechless. I dialed her number right away and she uttered a few words and began crying. I don't remember much but told her that I was on my way over. Jeff was already awake and in the office on the computer. I went to him and was a complete mess. Telling him what little I knew and he hugged me and said, "Go. Be with her. Call me when you need me." 


When I arrived, all I could do is hug her and cry. There were few words exchanged but in an instant my heart was aching for her loss. I hoped that my hug and comforting words were enough. I could not imagine how she felt.


Today reminds me how life is so fragile. A passage I recently read from Joel Osteen is fitting for today "One of the greatest abilities God has given each one of us is our ability to believe. Believe today that God has an incredible plan for your life."


I believe God does have an incredible plan for each of us. Today we believe His greatness even when it hurts so much. I pray today for Him to comfort Joyce & Randy, Valerie, Dean, the Tankersley and McColley families and close friends. 


Item #020: Today is not always about you. You may define your day as bad by hitting a few red lights to make you a few minutes late to work. Let it go and focus on what is right with your day.


I love your guts!

Tribute

Beastie Boys

The sound of my generation was grounded with music from the Beastie Boys. Adam "MCA" Yach (seen on the right) passed away today from the effects of glandular cancer. Click the link in the previous mention and learn more. Let it be known that "Adrock" was my favorite (middle). These guys were amazing! They are my generation's equivalent to the the Beatles or Eagles. 

Connection

My parents supported our love of music. We were exposed to everything under the sun and sometimes it boggles the mind the music trivia I have stored. They took me and my brother, plus one friend each, to the Beastie Boys concert in Houston when we were teenagers. This was a trip of a lifetime. Not only did we get great seats. We screamed and sang to all the songs. The icing on the cake was that we stayed in the same hotel as the Beastie Boys. What a memory we will never forget. Thanks Mom and Dad! Torey and Dani had a great time, too :) Side note: this was not the first time we saw them. We saw them at the Austin concert, as well.


Item #054: Be positive. When you interact with others, take time to give positive energy. You get what you give. If you have an idea or thought that sounds quirky or odd, you may be doing groundbreaking stuff. Give that idea life and be positive. 


Free Tibet


I love your guts!

Today is only Wednesday?

Today feels like Thursday or Friday. What is happening to my days? The last couple of nights or mornings, my eyes open at 3:30. I have an idea it might have to do with comfort, but it sends my days into a tailspin. 


The only thing new for me this week is the $25 jar of cream for the burned skin. It looks like leather on a hot summer day and aches like the worst sunburn you ever had.


Tomorrow I look forward to lunch with my support group and an acupuncture appointment later in the afternoon. Rounding out my Thursday will include having my Aunt Liz come by and help out with dinner and getting the kids ready for bed time. Dad will take Madison to her last soccer practice of the season. 


Jeff and Lorenzo are in class one more week - just in time to be here for me during the end of my treatment. The end is the most intense. I am ready - mentally. Let's hope my skin is up to the task to bear through the intensity. 
Dear Tiny Zen penguin, please help me find my center to take on the next couple of weeks.


Item #047: Yesterday can never be changed. We can only learn from yesterday. We can plan for tomorrow, but ultimately it is only a guide for the day. Let go of yesterday and tomorrow - focus on today. 


Celebrate the little victories. Here are mine for today: I didn't get a speeding ticket. I got front row parking at work (without using my temporary handicap placard). I ate lunch away from my computer. I stared down the squirrel for almost 2 minutes and then he slowly walked down the tree and went out of our yard. I sat on the stairs to admire the sunlight now shining in our house (we got a few solar tubes upstairs). What victories did you have today?


I love your guts!

Crisis averted

Sneezing

Think of a time when you had to sneeze and knew you shouldn't because it would mess something up. A couple of examples like getting your hair cut, when driving in 5 o'clock traffic or while you're getting a filling at the dentist. Now you can probably relate to the incident averted this morning.

This morning was no different than any other morning I go in for treatment. Jeff drove me to the doctor's office, discussing whether he should get gas before or after my appointment. We agreed that after would be best. Once we arrived, I changed into the awesome gown they provide. Then I walked back to the huge room to lay on the exam/procedure table. Megan, the technician and I were talking about kids and the weekend while she was helping me get aligned correctly. Everything was normal until she left the room and the machine turned on and "powered up" to begin. The first set of beams began and I could feel it begin. The twitch in my nose. When I inhaled, I could feel it coming. 'Oh crap!' I had seconds before the next set of beams began. I tried to figure out what I could do and how I could move. I almost move my left arm but instead, I moved my right arm quickly up to close my nose. Then the second beam began. I was still like a statue and it felt like I held my nose forever. Funny how 30 seconds feels like forever. After the second beam was finished, the machine moves over to the other side and repeats the process. I am glad to report that the crisis was averted. Who knows what would have been "burned" if I had actually sneezed. Megan said she saw my right arm move but didn't see that I was out of alignment, so she continued. We had a good laugh about how I needed to sneeze. She said that she could stop if necessary. Good. I know this for next time I feel a sneeze coming on, but sometimes I have a slow reaction time.

The next time you have to sneeze, I am sure you won't have a laser beam aimed at you. It's pretty funny, so the next time you sneeze, follow it with laughter.

Item #002: Baseball is like life. You do anything it takes to get on base to keep the opportunity to score alive. Do what it takes to stay in the game - listen, watch the others and take life one play at a time.

I love your guts!

Little things

Sometimes we go so fast and fill up our calendars, there isn't time to stop and appreciate the little things. My friend Kendra (whom I met through the support group of women with breast cancer) is celebrating the fact that her hair is finally growing back. When I saw her post late last week, I could not stop smiling. I was so happy for her. She had the perfect post - a picture of her head with the tiny sprigs of hair growing in where there once was long flowing hair. 


Today, pause for a moment and appreciate the little things. Here are a few to get you thinking, along with my "even if" statements.


Laughter - even if you don't know what is so funny. Birds singing - even if they annoy you and wake you up from a deep sleep. Long grass - walk through it with your bare feet or roll around in it to feel the cool grass on your skin. Say thank you to the person that held the door for you. Smiles - make someone feel better. Wash your hair with care - there are many that miss having a bad hair day. Red lights - even if you are a few minutes late, nobody will remember. Sing really loud - in church or in your car on your daily commute. 


Item #530 - Never give up on anybody, miracles happen. Today pray for those that are struggling and remember that His plan for us was not created in Outlook. Stop looking at your calendar!


I love your guts!

Uncomfortable

Aloe vera is the natural topical treatment for centuries. Well, this is not going to cut it for me. Right now I am very uncomfortable after my treatment this morning. Since I went to the office afterwards, I was not able to use the solution they gave me to treat the area. Tonight I will use this solution so I can soothe the area. Good thing all I need to do for work is type, otherwise I would be out for the count and not sure I would be productive if I did physical labor for a living. I consider myself lucky.


All I can think about right now is how many days next week I actually have to be in the office. When I go into the office, what can I wear that is super comfortable? Yoga clothes? Well, not really, but those who know what is going on with me won't mind. I probably only need to be there two days next week and can get away with cancelling or rescheduling a couple of other meetings.


Item #4: Just because someone moves a little slower than you doesn't mean they won't arrive at the same destination. Be nice...it only stings for a few seconds. [insert laugh track here]

I love your guts. 

Falling down...

This is the week that the doctor and other survivors talk about: week 3 is when the energy level drops. Thank you to Aunt Linda for letting us use your juicer. It has come in handy and now I know I need to juice more often for that burst of energy.

The thud you may have heard around 2pm today was me. I felt all the energy fall out of me and I was ready to fall down. You know that exhausted feeling you get from being up early in the morning, working all day until late into the evening? Well, this was me today after being up for only 8 hours. Yes, I ate breakfast, mid-morning snack and a heart healthy lunch. And still I felt like I was ready to fall down and sleep. The conference room table looked comfortable, but I was too busy giving the presentation. The elevator looked OK, especially if I steered clear of the splat in the back corner.


Yes, I did come home immediately after my meeting. I was home and went straight up stairs to change and lay down. No, not in bed, I was on the office floor, waiting for my 3:30 conf call to take place and then I was going to sleep. Do not fret, laying on the floor was good for me and gave me a chance to stretch out my back and legs. I needed to get the circulation going. Sure, I should have let it go, but I needed to get the info and thank goodness I did because things get lost in translation.


This afternoon I fell asleep at 5:30 and woke up around 7:30 - just in time to help with the kids. Once they were finished, it was my turn. The shower woke me up, but I was still tired. 


Item # 2: The Yankees won tonight! DJ is still the best. And it is not how you start the game but how you finish, so finish strong. I am ready to fight like a girl.


I love your guts!